All The Things We Never Said
by beegurl13
Summary: Edward POV continuation of "What I Really Meant To Say." What happens when Edward & Bella see each other again after a year apart? Will he still love her? Will she let him? What about his fiancee? Alternate ending to WIRMTS. E/B, rated M
1. Chapter 1 What I Really Meant To Say

**A/N: I don't own this. What I do own is an empty Cherry Pepsi can because I drank all of it in an effort to stay awake past midnight. I stayed up WAY too late last night. Darn fan fic stories and their addictive qualities.**

**This first chapter is the original one shot that I wrote for the Unhappily Ever After or Broken Fairytales Challenge. I never dreamed I'd get anywhere near the 100 reviews I asked for, so I'm shocked that everyone enjoyed this story so much. :)**

**The chapters following this will be from Edward's POV and they pick up right where this leaves off. If you want the fairy tale, I'd advise you to wait for the HEA continuation that will be coming along soon. If you like angst and crying, stay here and keep reading! I promise to provide both of those for you… :D**

**I gotta thank my girlies, my Northern Stars – they lead me along and never let me get lost - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, and missveritys.**_

**Next, thank you to my uber beta, **_**coldplaywhore**_**, who originally beta'd this o/s for me. Thank you for all you do for me. I couldn't be a luckier girl when it comes to awesome people helping me. I love you chickie!!**

**Don't forget, I'm on Twitter and this story has a thread at Twilighted. You can find both those links in my profile. Come play, it's fun. :)**

**Let's get this pity party started!! Enjoy!!**

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BPOV

It had been a long day. Who was I kidding; it had been a long year. Things were finally starting to look up and I felt like the fog was actually lifting. I had never in all my life been so down and out of it. My friends were worried about me, always asking what was wrong, but I couldn't tell them. I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't even want to admit it to myself. If I did that, then I had to accept that it had really happened; everything I was ignoring was real. I had really lost him and it was really over.

Even though deep down I knew it was true, it still hurt too much to acknowledge. I still loved him and I missed him every second of every day. There were so many things I wish I had said to him, but my pride just got in the way. Our last moments together haunted me, bringing nightmares to my restless sleep every night. I couldn't even remember the last night I spent sleeping peacefully without waking up screaming. He was always there, the moment I closed my eyes I would see him. He would say horrible things to me and then his eyes would glaze over and he would turn and walk away from me, leaving me screaming, crying for him to come back, but he never did. He just vanished, and then I would wake up, still screaming and crying for him. Wishing he would come back so I could tell him all the things I needed to say. Wishing he would give me a chance to explain. Wishing he would take me back. Wishing he still loved me.

But that was never going to happen. He was gone, we were over and I was a mess.

As I fastened the straps on my new heels, I hoped that the evening would go well. Emmett was picking me up and we were going to a cocktail party for his work. I was excited to be getting dressed up; it had been so long since I had done that. My best friend Alice bought me a new dress, probably thrilled that I was doing anything outside of my apartment for a change. She had introduced me to her cousin Emmett and we hit it off immediately. He was very intimidating when I first looked at him, but the second he smiled that cheesy, dimpled smile, he had melted my heart. He was funny and sweet and smart – all the things I loved in a man; all the things that the other man wasn't. Maybe that's why I was so drawn to Emmett – he was nothing like the one who broke my heart.

My body needed a change. My heart needed something different. My mind needed a break. Emmett was exactly what I needed, and by some small miracle he seemed to need me too.

The knock on the door was a few minutes earlier than I was expecting, but my heart leaped knowing that Emmett was on the other side waiting for me. I grabbed my purse and checked my hair and lip gloss one more time before sprinting as fast as my heel covered feet would carry me. I opened the door to find Emmett leaning against the door frame, a bunch of Crazy Daisies in his hand.

"Miss Swan, you are looking gorgeous this evening, as always."

I batted my eyelashes at him as his smile grew.

"Why thank you Mr. Mc Carty. What lovely flowers you have there. Are those for anyone in particular?" I asked, knowing full well they were for me. He always brought me something and we had seen those flowers at the store on our last date, me commenting on how much I loved the bright colors.

"Yeah, we gotta stop off at my mom's house on the way, she just loves these crazy flowers," he said, teasingly to me.

"You're such a nice son, she's a lucky lady," I said sarcastically.

"Oh, alright, you got me. I brought them for you; I think I kinda like you so I thought I might bring you something pretty, though they are no where near as pretty as you are right now. Honestly Bella, you look amazing." I blushed, causing him to put his hand over his heart, clutching at his shirt. "Bells, you know what that blush of yours does to me. You gotta stop that right now or we aren't gonna get any farther than your couch tonight," he said with a strained voice.

I giggled, loving the joking way in which way we bantered with each other. I took the flowers from him and quickly put them into the refrigerator in my kitchen, planning to get a vase for them later.

I sauntered back to him, grinning as I walked past him and out into the hallway, closing my door behind us. Emmett took my hand tightly in his, entwining our fingers as he led me to a car that was not his. I was surprised that he hadn't driven his jeep that night, though I was also glad, having worried about trying to climb into it wearing the dress I had on.

"Whose car is this?" I asked.

"Oh, it's my brothers'. He wanted to take his girlfriend out camping so I offered to trade cars for the weekend. This thing might go fast but it's not really mountain material," he said with a laugh.

It really was a beautiful car, and I knew everything about the make and model of it. _He_ had one exactly like it; only it was silver instead of black. I knew the way the leather seats smelled. I knew the curve of the dashboard. I knew the sound of the engine. I knew how far back the front seats reclined and how much space was in the back seat. I even knew how the hood felt pressed up again the bare skin of my back.

As I sat enveloped by the familiar smells and images, I knew this was going to be a long night. It would have been better for both of us if I had insisted at that moment that Emmett and I go back to my couch and spend the evening there, but I didn't. Hindsight is 20/20.

We pulled up to the hotel where the party was being held and I stepped out into the crisp night air. It was fall and the nights had started getting a lot cooler. Luckily, I had remembered my wrap, though I didn't want to wear it unless I absolutely had to. It went well with my dress, but the fabric was scratchy and I usually ended up shifting uncomfortably while I wore it. When we walked into the huge double doors Emmett asked me if I would like him to check it for me, and I immediately agreed.

He left me standing in the lobby alone, which was fine. I was used to being on my own and I didn't mind the fact that I knew no one who would be at the party, other than Emmett.

I was never outgoing or overly friendly as a child. My father always told me that I would outgrow that and blossom once I reached college and I waited for that to happen, but it never did. I was a wallflower to the core and I had learned to accept it. I never dated in high school, too afraid to approach boys. When I entered college I was slightly antisocial, which grated on my roommate's every nerve.

Rosalie, my college roommate, was Malibu Barbie incarnate. She was tall, blonde, beautiful, and had every boy on campus eating out of her hands. She tried unsuccessfully for months to get me to go with her to mixers, frat parties, football games, basically anything that would put me out into college life. I always insisted I had homework or I was tired. Finally she gave up, though we were able to maintain a close friendship.

We roomed together for 3 years before finally, in our senior year; she decided to move in with her boyfriend, Jacob. I decided to search for someone living off campus who might need a roommate and that's when I met_ him._

As I stood in the lobby, waiting for Emmett, I was overwhelmed by the artwork around me which only fueled the memories that were quickly flashing through my mind.

_It was August when I found his number; all I knew was that he was a student looking for another person to fill a bedroom in his house. When I called, he gave me the address and told me to meet him the next afternoon and he would show me around. I only had a couple of weeks until school started and I was anxious to find a place to live. Rosalie and I were renting an apartment for the summer, but when Jacob returned for school, our lease would be up and Rose was moving in with him._

_I pulled up to the house, shocked at the size of it. I was sure he had given me the wrong address, but the number matched so I figured why not, I may as well check it out. I walked up the long walkway to the front door and rang the bell. When the door opened a few moments later I was greeted by a cute girl with curly hair who was wearing a cheerleading uniform. Great, I though, it's a sorority house. _

"_Hi! Can I help you?" she asked in a much too cheerful tone for my liking._

"_Yeah, um, I'm looking for Edward? He gave me this address?"_

"_Oh yeah, come on in. Let me get him."_

_I walked into the house and felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was beautiful. This was like no college house I had ever been to and I wondered if it really was college kids that lived here._

_As the girl closed the door she turned to the side and yelled at the top of her lungs, "EDWARD!!!" Then she turned back to me and smiled._

"_So, I'm Jessica, who are you?"_

"_I'm Bella. Do you live here?" I didn't think I could handle living with her perkiness day in and day out. She was already grating on my nerves and I had only been here for two minutes._

"_Oh, no, my boyfriend Mike lives here. I'm just here for a nooner. I needed a little pick me up to get me through the freshman orientation crap I have to help with this afternoon. Plus Mike likes to screw me while I'm wearing my uniform," she smirked, adding a little wiggle of her perfectly manicured eyebrows._

_Okay, dodged that bullet At least she doesn't live here, but wasn't that a bit much to share with a complete stranger?_

"_Nooner, huh? I can see how that would help with the stress of organized freshman activities," I said, the sarcasm heavy in my voice._

"_Yeah, Jess has a hard time helping other people when it doesn't directly benefit herself, isn't that right Jess?" I turned my head to see a man walk around the corner, laughing at what he had just said._

"_Shut it Edward, at least I help out. What do you do, huh? How are you bettering the world?" Jessica snipped back at the man, though I could sense a bit of humor in the words._

"_Jess, I let those nooners happen on a regular basis under my roof, now don't I? See, I'm saving the world from having to deal with the horror of a sex-free Jessica. That's one of the greatest services I can do for mankind," he laughed. As he walked closer, I saw the bright green eyes that were piercing through me._

"_Hi, you must be Bella? I'm Edward, it's a pleasure to meet you," he said as he extended his hand to me. The sight of him almost had me speechless. I managed to stutter out a greeting, "Hi… Yeah, I'm Bella, it-it's nice to meet you too. Thanks for seeing me today, I-I, um, really appreciate it."_

"_No problem." He grinned, turning to the girl next to me, "Jess, you were just leaving?" _

"_Yeah, nice to meet you Bella. Hope I get to see you around, maybe we could hang out sometime or something." She turned and disappeared out the door as I looked back to Edward, who was still looking at me._

"_Are you ready?" he asked me. His eyes seared into mine and I felt my toes curl. _

"Bella, you ready?" I heard the words again but from a different voice and it shook me from my memories.

"Emmett, yeah, I'm ready." I smiled and took his arm, walking towards the conference rooms. We walked past a baby grand piano that sat near the bar in the center court of the hotel. A man dressed in a suit sat playing classical tunes, stirring more memories of a certain bronze haired boy. My eyes lingered on him as we crossed the room, seeing visions of songs being played for me, while my thighs remembered the feel of those white keys pressing into them. This night was not going in my favor.

As we entered the room the party was in full swing. We were a few minutes late, though it was a come and go type gathering. Emmett knew we would be here for a few hours, so he wasn't worried about being on time. He greeted several people as we made our way through the room.

"You want something to drink, sweetie?" he asked me.

"Yes, white wine please?"

"Sure, I'll get it. Do you want to come with me or do you want to find a chair or table or something?"

"I'll go with you, if that's alright," I said.

"Come on, I think it's this way."

We waltzed around a few groups of people before finally seeing the bar tucked into the corner of the room. After getting our drinks Emmett spotted his boss and asked if he could introduce us. I was thrilled that he was so excited for me to meet his friends and co-workers. I knew it meant that he really was interested in me for the long term.

I met most of the people Emmett spent his days with, and they were all very kind to me. Only a couple of girls gave me the brush off, but I knew it was because they were jealous of my being with Emmett. I could see it in their eyes and in the way they laughed at everything he said. I had seen it before; this wasn't the first man I had been with that had that kind of draw for women.

I spotted one of the paintings on the wall closest to me and the conversation happening around me slowly faded away.

_Edward began, "This is my house, well actually my parents own it. I don't really need roommates, but I lived here alone my freshman year and I felt like I really missed out on the social aspect of college. I've been renting out the rooms for the last few years and it works out great. We have 6 bedrooms, so there are 6 of us. Like I said, my parents own it and the rent amount is kind of negotiable, so if it's a problem just let me know. We can figure something out."_

"_Thanks Edward, this house is really beautiful. I thought at first that maybe you had given me the wrong address," I said jokingly._

"_Well, I'm glad you like it," he said. "Let me show you around a bit." He noticed me looking at the painting hanging above the entry way table and he laughed. "Sorry, my mom is into artwork, there are paintings all over the common living areas. I took everything out of the bedrooms so you can do whatever you want in there. But if there is something here that you really can't stand, just say so and I'll take care of it," he said with a smile._

_He showed me around the lower level, pointing out all the major living areas and two bedrooms that were down stairs. They apparently belonged to Mike, Jessica's boyfriend, and Eric. We walked up the stairs and he showed me the first two rooms, belonging to Angela and Lauren, and then two bathrooms, one smaller than the other. At the end of the hall were the last two rooms, Edward's room and the vacant room._

"_My cousin Tyler was living here but he graduated in May and just moved out last month. I made sure he cleaned the room so hopefully you won't find anything growing in there. The other girls use the big bathroom so the smaller bathroom is all yours. The girls are pretty quiet, Angela is a sweetheart and a real bookworm, and Lauren is…not." He grinned a little, softly laughing._

"_Did I miss something?" I asked, curious about his expression._

"_Well, Lauren doesn't stay here a lot, she usually likes to stay with her girlfriend, Tanya, but her parents think she lives here, so she keeps enough stuff here to make it look that way in case they drop by. And they do, on occasion, so just be ready for that."_

"_Oh, okay. Can I see the room?" I questioned, curiously._

"_Oh yeah, yeah, sorry, I almost forgot the most important part," he said as he shook his head and let out a laugh I imagined angels would be envious of._

_He opened the door and I couldn't believe how perfect the room was. I turned to Edward and asked, "Can I move in tomorrow?"_

_He smiled at me, nodding his head. "Yeah, the sooner the better, Bella," he said._

"Bella?" I heard the voice call my name. "Bella, are you okay?" I blinked my eyes, suddenly aware of my surroundings again, and turned to Emmett.

"Yeah, sorry. That painting was just reminding me of something. A copy of it used to hang in the house I lived in when I was in college. It brought back some old memories. Sorry, I - I didn't mean to be rude."

The couple standing near us just laughed at my awkwardness and Emmett put his arm around my waist, drawing me closer to him. He placed a kiss on the top of my head, whispering, "Nothing's ever dull with you around, is it?"

We both laughed and excused ourselves so we could make our way over to the buffet table. After loading up our plates we found a table to sit at, chatting happily with the other people there. The food was delicious and soon I was stuffed. Emmett asked if I would like to dance since music was playing and there was a spot cleared for dancing. I tried to remind him about my two left feet and the fact that both of them were currently strapped into 4 inch heels, but he just laughed and assured me that by the end of the night he would have me out there twirling around the dance floor.

We heard a commotion in the far corner of the room, several people breaking out into a song. As I searched for the reason behind it Emmett started to laugh. I looked to him quizzically, hoping he would tell me what was going on.

"Everyone is singing to Tori, this was her last week here with the company. She's moving to New York next week. Her fiancé got a job in some big law firm and she's transferring," he explained.

"Oh, that sounds nice," I said.

I glanced over at the crowd again and almost as if in slow motion the sea of people parted, leaving an open shot straight to the one person I didn't want to see. _Him_. He was here. He was at the party, and he had his arm around the girl that everyone was singing to. His arm was around Tori. He smiled brightly as he bent to place a kiss on her temple and I knew – he was her fiancé. _Him._ Of all people, it was him.

I suddenly felt all the food I had just eaten try to make a reappearance. I quickly choked back what I knew was coming and excused myself to find the ladies room. Emmett looked at me, concerned but willing to let me take care of things myself. I rushed to the hallway, frantic to find a restroom before I made a mess that some poor janitor would have to clean up.

I ran into the bathroom and the closest stall. Luckily no one else was there, and I heaved my dinner into the porcelain bowl. After a few more times I flushed the toilet and leaned my head again the cool partition wall. I knew it was disgusting to sit on the floor of a public bathroom, but in that moment I didn't care. I had sat in worse places, thrown up in dirtier toilets, and exposed myself to far more lethal things than the germs on this hotel bathroom floor. At least this floor was probably mopped on a regular, if not hourly, basis. Most other places I had done this certainly hadn't had that type of cleaning regimen.

After about 10 minutes, I thought I should to get back to the party before Emmett came looking for me, or worse, sent someone else looking for me. I washed my hands, rinsed my mouth out, and wiped off my face. I reapplied my lip gloss and sucked on a few breath mints. I saw the little bottle of pills in my purse and decided that this was the perfect time for one of them. As I opened the bottle I figured this occasion might actually require two, or three, if I was being honest with myself. I swallowed the pills quickly with a handful of water from the sink, and made my way back to the party.

Emmett was walking towards the door as I walked out, apparently on his way to find me. "Honey, you okay?" he said with a worried look on his face. He moved his hands up to cradle my face and he stared into my eyes, searching for answers.

"Yeah, Em, I'm okay. My stomach was just acting up a bit, that's all, but I'm fine now, see? Don't I look okay?" I smiled sweetly at him, trying to convince him that I really was fine.

"I guess so, but you had me worried. Do you want to go home? If you're not feeling well we should leave. I don't mind Bella, honestly. I just want you to be happy."

He was such a good man, and I knew that I didn't deserve him. I didn't deserve anyone that was kind or decent. I wasn't worth it, but I was too selfish to push him away. I put my arms around his waist, pulling him closer to me, and whispered in his ear, "Dance with me, Em."

His face lit up like a Christmas tree and he quickly took my hand, leading me to the dance floor.

The music flowed around the room as we swayed in place. Emmett was taking things slow, knowing I wasn't a good dancer. I loved the feel of his arms around me, it made me feel safe and loved. I leaned my head against his chest and enjoyed the moment with him. When the next song began we started to move a bit more, Emmett leading me around the dance floor. I felt free and relaxed and was enjoying myself for the first time in ages. As we turned once more my eyes were met by a piercing green gaze and I stumbled.

"Izzy?" he asked, the shock evident in his voice. "Izzy, is that you?"

I quietly cleared my throat, "Edward, um, hello." I nervously shifted my eyes to anything but Edward's face, afraid to look at him. I wasn't sure my heart could handle seeing the happiness that I was sure was there.

"Iz, what are you doing here? I'm surprised to see you; I didn't know you'd be here tonight."

"Yeah, uh, this is my friend Emmett. Emmett, this is Edward," I stated hesitantly. Did I really want Emmett to meet Edward? What would happen if these two parts of my life collided? My past and my present where two very different things; I couldn't have Edward and his apparent new found joy ruining things for me, just as they were starting to get good again.

Edward's eyes remained on me, searching for something that I knew only he would see. "How have you been, Iz?"

I squirmed under his gaze and tried my best to smile at him as I responded, hoping to hide my true feelings, "Just fine."

Edward continued looking me over, knowing that I was in no way fine. He sighed and turned to look at Emmett, exchanging looks with him, each of them smiling and quickly offering their hands to one another.

"Nice to meet you, Edward. So you're the lucky fiancé, huh?" Emmett said to Edward before turning to address the woman he was dancing with. "Hey Tori, we're gonna miss you around here!"

"Emmett, I didn't know you were seeing anyone? This is great," Tori said, smiling sweetly at me.

"Oh, excuse my rudeness, Tor, this is Bella. She was one of my roommates in college, you remember I told you about her?" he said with a pointed look at her.

A knowing expression flashed across her face as she looked back and forth between Edward and I. "So, you're Bella? I've heard a lot about you, it's very nice to finally meet you. Edward had some wonderful things to say about you."

That was surprising. I didn't think Edward would ever say anything nice about me, especially after the way things ended between us. I stood silently, suddenly uncomfortable in my surroundings. When Emmett spoke I thought my knees would give out on me.

"Hey Tori, how about one more dance before you move on to the big, bad city? I'm sure Bella and Edward would love a chance to catch up a bit. What do you say?" Emmett offered his hand to Tori, who took it quickly after winking to Edward. I noticed the ring on her finger – it was Edward's grandmother's ring, the one that should have been on _my_ finger.

As Emmett and Tori danced away, Edward and I stood awkwardly near each other, neither one knowing what to do.

"Iz, would you dance with me, please?" I saw the pained look in his eyes; certain that he would rather be torn apart by sharks then have to put his arms around me. Sadly, in his arms was the one place I dreamed of being, and the one place I never thought I would get to go again.

"Eddie, of course I will, you don't even have to ask," I said quietly to him, looking up at him with eyes full of want.

He took my hand and pulled me towards him, curling his other arm around my waist, placing his hand on the small of my back. I put my hand on his shoulder, debating on whether or not to lean my head against his chest. He stepped closer to me and I could feel the line of his body against mine – his leg against my leg, his hip against my hip, his chest against my chest. My heart beat rapidly, knowing that it was home, yet also knowing it couldn't stay there.

We began to turn in slow circles, swaying with the music. The simple movements brought to mind a memory of the first time we had held each other like this.

_It was two months into my senior year and I had settled into Edward's house rather comfortably. The other roommates were very welcoming to me and Rose and I still got together every week for dinner. I was happy and actually enjoying the school year. As Homecoming approached, the house began to fill with chatter about the football game and the dance. Everyone seemed to be going, with the exception of Edward and me. He was in his 2__nd__ year of law school and didn't feel that it was right for him to go to the dance since he had gone each of his first four years there. He questioned me nonstop about why I wasn't going to the dance. It took several days of pestering before I finally broke down and told him that no one had asked me – that no one had ever asked me to go anywhere before. He seemed stunned by my words and muttered to himself that it wasn't possible._

_When the night of the dance approached, I happily saw off each of my roommates and their dates, somewhat looking forward to spending a nice, quiet night alone in the house. Jessica had tried to set Edward up with one her cheerleader friends, so I assumed that he would be taking her to the dance. I was slightly taken aback when Edward walked through the front door, holding a bag full of Chinese take out, a 2 liter of my favorite soda, and several DVD's. He smiled at me, taking in my confused expression, and said, "Izzy, I can't bear the thought of you sitting home alone, and I couldn't pass up the opportunity to spend an entire night with you all to myself."_

_We spent the evening sitting on the living room floor, laughing at one of the movies Edward had rented, stuffing ourselves with Chinese food. It was one of the greatest nights of my life up to that point, and had I known ahead of time how it would end, I never would have believed it._

_As the movie came to an end, the credits began to roll, accompanied by a beautiful love song. Edward quickly stood and offered me his hand. I looked at him like he was a crazy person and he softly said, "Iz, would you dance with me, please?" _

_I stuttered and stammered through excuses before finally standing and taking his hand. He pulled me close, wrapping his arms around me and leaning his face down, burying it into my hair. We swayed to the music and after several minutes I realized the song had ended, but we were still dancing. Edward must have noticed at the same time I did because he began humming the most amazing tune I had ever heard. I was swept away in the moment._

_I clung to him, never wanting to let go, flying at the feel of his body molding to mine. Each curve of my body seemed to fit perfectly in place against his; we were like two puzzle pieces made to go together. He raised his hands to brush some of the hair away from my face and then cupped my cheeks. As his thumbs ran over my cheekbones, I felt myself falling into his stare. When he lowered his mouth to mine, my breath hitched, and I froze. I felt his lips move into a grin against my lips and he quietly whispered, "Izzy, is this okay?"_

_I was confused, how could he think it wasn't okay with me? He must have misinterpreted my response, so to make sure that didn't happen again I dug my fingers into his bronze hair and pulled him roughly to me. I kissed him with all the passion I had built up while watching him over the past two months, trying to show him how I felt about him. His hands grasped at my back, pulling at the edges of my t-shirt, bringing me even closer to him._

_I was on fire. Every inch of my body that touched him felt as though it was being burned by a raging forest fire, and like that same fire, I was out of control. I knew there was no way I would be able to stop our sudden progression, and I didn't want to. I needed him. My body craved him. I would push until he stopped me._

"_Edward, tell me when to stop. I can't stop myself when I'm with you," I said breathlessly. "I feel like I'm addicted to you – I can't get enough."_

"_Then don't stop, just go with it," he mumbled against my neck as he licked and bit at my skin._

_He didn't stop me that night. He didn't stop me the next night or the next. For almost four years he didn't stop me. For almost four years I was on fire, raging with desire for him. I could never get enough. I was happy, but I knew he wasn't. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't ever seem to make him feel the way I felt. I couldn't make him as happy as he made me, and it tore at my soul. _

_As time went by he would often ask me, "Izzy, are you happy? Truly happy?" and I always answered yes, I was happier than I had ever been in my life, and it was true, for me. It just wasn't true for him._

As we danced around the hotel dance floor I was pulled away from my memories by the sound of his voice asking a familiar question, "Izzy, are you happy? Truly happy?" I looked up into his green eyes, seeing the hurt and longing there.

"What do you want me to say Edward? Do you want me to lie to you? Because I will, if that's what you want." My voice cracked as I spoke the last words, trying to disguise my true feelings, while my heart screamed at me to tell him how much it longed to be with him again. My lungs wanted me to tell him that they couldn't really breathe without him by my side. My eyes betrayed me as they began to build up tears.

"No Iz, I want the truth. I can't take any more lies from you, it hurts too much."

"Okay, Edward, no I'm not happy. I'm miserable. My life ended that night you left me; you wouldn't even let me explain. After everything we had together, you said those things to me and just left. Why did you do that? How could I ever be happy when the last memory I have of us together is that night?" He could hear the emotion in my voice, though I tried to hide it.

He looked at me with confusion in his eyes, as if I had said something wrong, as if we both didn't know what happened that night. "Izzy, this isn't the time or place to get into all of that. You know it. There was nothing to explain that night; it just happened. I couldn't take things the way they were anymore, I couldn't keep living like that. I tried to help you Iz, for over two years I tried. It nearly killed me, it really did, but I couldn't do it anymore. You know I didn't mean the things I said, and I know you didn't mean the things you said, but I just had to get you away."

I saw the pain in his eyes as he slowed his swaying almost to a complete stop. His grasp on me had tightened, as if he was afraid to let go. I searched his face for any hint of hope, a sign that maybe he would forgive me and it wasn't too late for us.

He sighed a loud breath and let go of me. He took a step away from me and his eyes held so much hurt, I couldn't breathe.

"Iz, I can't do this. I can't stand here and watch this happen anymore. It's my fault and I've tried and tried to make things right, but I can't. You can't help someone who doesn't want your help. I had to let you go, I had to walk away from you Izzy, it broke my heart and I will never love anyone the way I love you, but I can't do this. I'm so sorry I couldn't be stronger for you. You just broke me too many times Iz, I can't do it. I'm sorry."

He turned and quickly walked out of the room and into the hallway. I stood there on the dance floor, stunned. Was he trying to say the break up was my fault? Was he trying to lay the blame on me, when it was him who said all the horrible things that were screamed that night? How could he blame me? I raced after him, needing to know what he was thinking. I was desperate to have him in my arms again. I ached to feel his skin under my hands, his warm breath on my neck, his voice moaning my name, his body moving deep inside of mine. I needed him, I knew I couldn't live another night without him.

This was my last chance.

I ran from the room, not caring who or what was in my way. As I burst through the doors I looked frantically down the hallway towards the lobby, but he was not there. I felt a scream building deep in my gut, yearning to break free as my soul split in two. I spun around and saw him pacing at the other end of the hallway, running his hands through his hair the way he always did when he was upset. I recalled the first time I had watched him pace this way.

_It was late in the afternoon on Christmas Eve. It was the first Christmas Edward and I were spending together. We had been dating officially for a few months and things were prefect; he was perfect. The house was empty since all of our roommates had gone home for the Christmas break. Edward's parents were in Europe for the holidays and my dad was working, so we had the house to ourselves. I was excited to be cooking Christmas dinner for him and we had spent the better part of the week going over the menu, planning all our favorite foods._

_I returned from the grocery store, having battled my way through the crowds to pick up the last few things I needed, and was surprised to not find Edward anywhere in the house. His car was parked in the garage and it was too cold for him to have walked anywhere, so I knew he had to be around somewhere. I opened the back door, glancing out into the backyard and was surprised to see him pacing back and forth in front of the old swing set that sat on the far side of the yard. He was running his hands through his hair and mumbling to himself. I feared the worst, something had to be wrong._

_I stepped out onto the porch, the door squeaking closed behind me. Edward looked up, his eyes meeting mine, and stopped mid stride. We stood staring at each other for several seconds before I finally walked towards him, worried about what he had to tell me. The look in his eyes was one that I hadn't seen before and I was scared. Was someone hurt? Had he changed his mind about us? If he asked me to move out, where would I go? It was my last semester; would I still be able to finish school? I felt my hands start to shake and my breathing speed up as the blood drained from my face. Edward always loved the blush that would creep up over my body when I was nervous or embarrassed, but that wouldn't be happening today._

"_Edward, what is it? What's wrong?" I softly asked. I walked to his side, my eyes never leaving his. I took a deep breath and brought my hand up to his face, running my fingers along his cheekbone. His skin was frozen and his nose was red; he had been outside a long time. I realized that he wasn't wearing a jacket, just a t-shirt, his pajama pants, and slippers. I reached down and took his hand, pulling him towards the house. "You're freezing, let's go back in. I don't want you sick for Christmas."_

_He stood still, not budging at my request. "Bella, stay here with me. For just a minute, please?" The expression on his face was pleading with me, so I stepped back to him and wrapped my arms around his waist. I buried my face into his chest as I felt him lower his to my hair. He had called me Bella, something he rarely did. He usually called me Iz or Izzy, his special nickname for me, but when things were serious he would call me Bella. The dread grew in my chest as I contemplated what was happening. "Will you sit with me, here on the swings?"_

_I loosened my hold on him and he pulled me towards the old wooden swings that hung silently in the chilled air. I gently sat down, not knowing how strong the ropes were or even when the swing set had last been used. Goodness knows college kids didn't spend a lot of time on playground equipment. He held my hand in his, his thumb rubbing circles over the back of my hand. I looked at him, waiting for him to say something, anything. When he finally spoke, it wasn't what I expected._

"_Bella, why are you with me?"_

_I was stunned, how could he ask that? A million reasons ran through my head in that instant, as he waited for my reply. "Edward, you're everything to me. You're the first person who ever saw me for who I am, and liked me enough to keep looking. You have no idea how much that means to me, how grateful I am to you for that."_

_His brow creased and he swallowed before he asked, "Is that the only reason? Because I paid attention to you when no else did?"_

"_No! No, it's so much more than that. You take care of me, you help me, you talk to me, you comfort me, you make me feel happier then I ever thought I could feel, you make me want things I never wanted before. When I'm with you, I'm a better person. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel complete when I'm with you. When your arms are around me, I'm safe. When you smile at me, my world is brighter. When you kiss me, every inch of my body screams out with joy. When I'm with you, my life is what I know it should be, what it never had any chance of being before you came along." I was pouring my heart out to him and I was terrified that he wouldn't understand._

"_Bella, I feel the same way when I'm with you. Do you know that? I can't imagine even one day without holding you, or kissing you, or looking into your eyes, or hearing your voice. I don't want to."_

"_You don't have to, I'm not going anywhere. What is this about, Edward? You can tell me," I pleaded with him._

"_Bella," he whispered, "have you ever been in love with someone before?"_

_My heart stuttered, trying desperately to figure out where he was going with this. "No, Edward, I've never told anyone other than my dad that I loved them."_

"_So, how do you know when you love someone? I mean, I've had feelings for girls before, but…I'm at a loss right now. I've never felt what I feel for you."_

_His eyes peered into mine and it seemed that the green there intensified as he continued to stare at me. He leaned towards me, ever so slightly, and licked his lips. "Bella, I've been out here trying to figure this out, and the only conclusion that I can come to is this – I love you. I am wholly, totally, completely, thoroughly in love with you, and I'm scared to death that you don't feel the same way about me."_

_He dropped his eyes from mine, looking down at our hands. I saw a tear fall down his cheek as his breath hitched. He loved me. Had I heard him right? He had really said it? I had never heard it before, except for a few times from my dad, but not since I was 9 years old. I watched him, swallowing before I tried to speak._

"_Edward, you love me? Are you sure?" I asked with a timid voice that shook with emotion._

"_Yes, I love you. I know I do. I've known for a while, I just had to be sure. I didn't want to hurt you, I need you too much."_

_A smile slowly crept across my face as I reached my free hand out, taking hold of his chin and lifting his face until our eyes met. "Edward Cullen, I love you. So much. It scares me everyday, the thought of feeling like this for someone; I don't know what to do with it, but I love you, I know I do. You're everything to me, you always will be."_

_He grinned his crooked smile at me, "You know this is it for me, right? I'll never feel like this about anyone else, no matter how long I live? You okay with that?"_

_A laugh escaped from me as nodded my head in agreement, "Me too, no one else." The tears began to fall from my eyes as he stood and pulled me up and into his arms. His hand cupped my cheek and he kissed my lips gently several times before pulling back. _

"_Isabella Swan, I love you. You and only you, my Izzy. You're my one, now and always. Let's go back inside so I can show you how much I love you."_

_He held my hand as he stepped away towards the backdoor. I stood still for just a moment, realizing what had just happened between us. He loved me, and I loved him, and it was okay. He was mine, and I was his, and he wanted to show me. I smiled as I stepped towards him, anxious to be near him again._

I slowly approached, not knowing what to say. I had played this scene so many times in my head, but now that it was happening, I was at a loss for words. I took a deep breathe, holding it in my lungs, hoping to erase the feelings burning in my belly. My heart was racing as I came to a stop within an arms length of him. "Edward…" I called out to him, hoping that he would acknowledge me. His step faltered and he came to a stand still. I could see the agony on his face and it broke my heart like nothing ever before.

"Izzy, you need to go. I can't be here with you," he softly said to me without looking at me.

"Edward, please, just talk to me. I know you still love me, can't we talk about this?" I pleaded with him.

He looked up at me, squaring his shoulders, and spoke, "Iz, do you remember that night? Do you remember what happened that last night that we were together? Do you even have any recollection of what I went through? That night haunts me, Izzy; I can't ever allow myself to go back to that. It doesn't matter how much I loved you, or how much I still love you, all that matters is that I can't be with you. Having you here, this close to me, letting myself smell your perfume and feel your skin, be awash in your whole essence, it's killing me. I can't be here, not with you. Please, let me be, Iz. I'm happy, please don't erase everything I've worked for this past year. Please, if you love me at all, like you say you do, please let me go. Please…"

There was so much pain in his eyes. How could I deny him? How could I stand there in front of him and blatantly ignore his request? It was self preservation that kept me there. I knew I couldn't live without him, and in a last ditch effort to save itself, my body refused to move.

The details of that night were hazy to me. I had tried over and over again to figure out exactly what happened, but there were too many holes in my memory.

"Um, I don't really know, Edward. I just remember that I felt really good until you started screaming at me." In all honestly, I really didn't remember a lot about that night. I knew I had spent the evening home alone while Edward worked late on a case his law firm had assigned him to. I remembered feeling happy and kind of euphoric. Then I remember seeing Edward's eyes burning through me, feeling his grasp on my arm, pulling me away from where I was. I remember him throwing clothes at me and yelling so loudly I thought my eardrums would burst. Then I remember him turning and walking away from me, leaving me huddled on the floor, sobbing for him to come back. What else could there have been? How could my pain have affected him so much?

"Think about it, Iz. You know what happened. Somewhere in your brain you remember what was going on that night. Think harder Iz, I can't tell you, you have to remember it."

I racked my brain but found nothing. No hints of the supposed horrid events that transpired that night were left for me to find, no clues to solve the puzzle. I looked to him, begging with my eyes for him to tell me, to put me out of my misery and just tell me what happened.

"I don't know Edward, I can't remember it. I don't know why, but I can't."

His face twisted into a look of fury and his voice poured out in a hushed roar, "You do know why you can't remember, Isabella. You know perfectly well why you can't remember. Admit it. I want to hear you say it out loud. I think after four years together I deserve that much from you. Say it, Isabella, out loud."

I started to panic. He couldn't be doing this to me here, in a public place. This was something between us, something that no one else knew. How dare he say these things to me! I looked at the floor, tears flooding my eyes, and slowly shook my head. "No," I silently mouthed, no sound coming from me. I mouthed the word again and again before Edward finally stepped forward, grabbing my upper arm, turning me towards him.

"Do you really want to hear me say it, Iz? Is that what you want? You want me to tell you why I can't be with you? You want me to tell you why you broke my heart? You want me to tell you what I walked in on that night? You really want me to do that?" he said, I could hear the disgust dripping from his every word.

He reached out and grasped my face, roughly turning it up to look at him. Once our eyes met I saw no more sadness in him. Instead I saw hatred and anger, years of frustration built up, exploding out of him towards me.

He seethed, "You, Isabella, are a drug addict. You know it's true, I know it's true. I hate it. I hate you because you let things get so far out of hand. I hate myself because I let this happen to you. I hate Eric for exposing you to this, but most of all I hate that for two years I tried to help you, I tried to make things right, and you wouldn't let me. I hate you because you aren't willing to change for me. You can't stop yourself, I'm not enough to make you stop, and I hate that I'm not enough for you. You are all I ever wanted, and I'm not enough to help you."

My body shook violently with the realizations of what he was saying. My head thrashed back and forth in denial, trying to push the ideas away. "No," I continued to mouth over and over again as the sobs racked my body. He was wrong, he had to be wrong.

I felt his grip on my arm loosen and compassion begin to lace his words again, "I tried to help you Iz, I tried so hard. I gave up everything to help you. I would have given my life if it meant saving you, but you wouldn't be saved, Iz. You wouldn't let me help you. Why wouldn't you let me? Why couldn't I be enough for you?"

But he was enough for me. How could he not see that? What could I say to prove to him that he was all I would ever want, the only thing I truly needed in my life?

"I would have walked through fire for you, Izzy. I overlooked so many things because I loved you. I thought that's what I was supposed to do – give you the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I realized I was just making things worse. I wasn't helping you at all. I would have died for you if I thought you had felt the same way about me, but you didn't. I didn't really see it until that last night. I couldn't admit it to myself until it was right in front of my face. That image is burned into my brain, Iz. For as long as I live I will never forget what I saw when I opened that door. You shattered me," he sadly told me, defeat thick in his voice.

"What…what did you see?" I said in a whisper, afraid to hear what he had to say.

His eyes closed and his head dropped. "I saw you with Eric. You were having sex with him, Iz. You didn't have enough money that night to pay him what you owed him, so instead you screwed him. On our living room floor, while you were wearing my grandmothers ring that I put on your finger. Our wedding announcements were scattered on the floor underneath you."

Oh my… No, please no. My body shuddered at the knowledge of what I had done. I suddenly felt the urge to throw up again.

"You know the worst part of it, Iz? When I kicked Eric out that night, he told me it wasn't the first time you'd done that with him, and he wasn't the only person you'd done it with either. He couldn't even remember how many other guys there were. He said he even remembered some girls too. All that time, I was killing myself trying to help you, and you were screwing anyone and everyone behind my back because you wanted drugs more than you wanted me. Do you have any idea how that made me feel?"

There was nothing I could say. I knew in that moment that he and I would never be together again. There was no way. I had broken things beyond repair. It was my fault. I had to let him go, let him be happy and live his life. He deserved better than what I had to give.

I couldn't go on without him, but I couldn't let him be with me either.

He laughed, "You know how sick I am, Izzy? I'm so twisted over you that if you promised me right here, right now, that you would get help, that you would let me help you; I would walk out of this hotel right now with you and never look back. I would give up everything in my life to be with you, and never have one regret for doing it. That's how much I want to be with you; how much I want to love you and take care of you. But I know you could never promise me that. You would never let me do that, and it breaks my heart."

I looked into his eyes, wishing there was something I could say to comfort him, to make things right, but knowing there was nothing that would ever be enough. I couldn't promise him the one thing he wanted. I had to let him go.

I stepped backwards, away from him, as he let his grasp on my arm fall. "Go," I whispered, "be happy. Please, don't worry about me. Just be happy, that's all I care about."

"Izzy, promise me something. Promise me that when Emmett finds out about this, you will let him help you. It's time you stopped this Iz, let him help you. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you. I love you so much, I always have and I always will, until the day I die. You are the love of my life. Please, let him help you. Can you do that for me?"

I looked at him once more, knowing it would be the last time, and I nodded my head, putting on the best smile I could muster. "I promise," I vowed, knowing it was a lie. Emmett would never find out. I would never give him the chance to help me.

He walked towards me, pulling me into his arms, hugging me tightly. He buried his nose in my hair and I could feel his body shaking with emotion. "I love you, my Izzy. I always will, no matter what. Don't ever forget that. No matter where I am, I belong to you and only you."

I wrapped my arms around him, clinging to him. I could hear movement in the hallway behind us, not knowing who was there. I felt Edward stiffen slightly and then pull away from me. His hands cupped my face, pulling it up to look at him. When our eyes met, he searched mine for assurance that I meant the words I spoke to him, that I really would let Emmett help me. He sighed and slowly lowered his face, placing his lips sweetly, tenderly against mine. He lingered there for a few moments before inching away.

His eyes opened slowly, soon finding mine, and he whispered softly, "I love you Isabella. No matter what, I love you."

He dropped his hands and stepped around me. As I turned to the side I saw Tori standing near the door, her shaking hand covering her mouth, fresh tears on her cheeks. Emmett was standing beside her with a questioning look on his face. Edward walked to Tori, took her hand, and left. Emmett and I stood in our places for a few moments before he finally approached me.

"Bella, are you okay honey? What happened?"

"I need to go home Emmett. Can you please take me home?"

"Yes, of course."

He put his arm around me and led me to the desk to retrieve my wrap and his jacket. We walked to his car, and then rode silently home. I had to let him go, give him a chance at a better life. I knew I was in no position to provide him with the future he wanted. I had to set him free. When we got to my apartment we remained sitting for several minutes before I finally spoke, staring at my hands folded in my lap.

"What you saw tonight, it was bad Emmett. I did some things to Edward that I can never take back. I hurt him in ways that no one should ever be hurt. And the things I did then are things that I'm still doing now. I don't want to hurt you Emmett. You are a good, sweet man, and if you stay with me I will only ruin you. I'm so sorry, I didn't realize before tonight the true extent of my actions and choices. I can't ask you to stay in a relationship that will end up destroying you. Please tell Alice that I'm so sorry, for everything. And please don't hate me for this Emmett. Its better this way, trust me."

I moved to open the door when Emmett spoke, "Bella, you're scaring me. What are you talking about? What's going on? What happened with Edward? You can tell me, let me help. I'm a big boy, Bella. Let me decide for myself what I can and can't handle."

I looked at him, the goodness radiating from him. I couldn't hurt him the way I had hurt Edward.

"Don't worry about me Em, its okay. I'm okay. I'm just tired and I need to rest. Things have been way out of hand for a long time and I just need to make some changes, fix some things. It will all be okay. Trust me, it's for the best." I leaned over, kissing him on the cheek. "You've been wonderful to me and I will never forget that. Thank you for making me happier than I have been in a long, long time. I almost forgot what it was like before, how sad I was. You made me almost forget that, so thank you."

He smiled, "Anytime Bella, anything for you."

I looked at his lovely face. "Good night Emmett. Good bye."

I stepped out of the car as he protested, asking me to let him help me out. I didn't stop, I just continued on, not wanting to see him again, choosing instead to remember him with a smile on his face.

I walked away from the car, towards my apartment, letting the sounds of him calling out to me fade into the background noise that filled the night air. Silently I hoped he would be happy someday, and that he wouldn't hate me the way Edward did. At least I was saving him from that heartache.

I entered my dark apartment, letting myself be overwhelmed by the blackness all around me. There was comfort in it, a peace I hadn't felt in years. I let out a long, labored, pained sigh and flipped the lights on. I hung up my purse and wrap, bending over to take off the new shoes I had bought special for tonight. I knew Alice would love to have them; I would make sure she got them. She had been a true friend to me, through all the ups and downs in my life. She was the closest thing I had to family and I adored her. She hoped that by introducing me to Emmett I would actually become family, and it might have worked out, but fate had other plans.

The kitchen was dark, but I knew exactly where the wine glasses were and the bottle of red wine I had recently bought. As I opened the refrigerator door to get the pills I kept hidden there, I saw the flowers Emmett brought me earlier in the evening. They were so bright and cheerful, just like he was. I pulled them out and held them to my chest, breathing in their tart scent. Once the door was closed and I was in darkness again, I realized that I couldn't see the vibrant colors anymore. I thought about how much my life was like that. When I had Edward, he was like a light shining on my life. Before him I had always been in the dark. When I was with him, things were vivacious and colorful, beautiful and warm, but after he left me, the light went out. My world went back to darkness and I knew I could never enjoy anything beautiful again. Emmett was like the flowers – bright, warm, and inviting to me – yet my world was too dark for me to see just how brilliant he was. His life would never be full if he stayed with me. I could never bring to him the joy and happiness that he deserved.

I held the flowers, wine bottle, glass, and pill bottle in my hands and walked to my bedroom. I set the flowers on my bed while placing the wine and glass on my bedside table. I held the tiny bottle in my hand, filled with sleeping pills that had been prescribed to me. They were the only legal drug that I had taken recently; everything else had been acquired by less than respectable means. Anyone who knew me would most likely be shocked to find out about my addiction; I wasn't the kind of person that would fall prey to something like drugs. I came from a nice home, I got good grades in school, my friends were law abiding citizens, and I had never even had a speeding ticket. I didn't look like a drug addict, but I knew I was one.

I emptied the bottle into my hand, quickly counting easily over 40 pills. I knew it was more than enough, but I didn't want to take any chances. I opened the wine and poured a glass for myself, swallowing the pills in several drinks. By the end of the second glass, the pills were all gone and there was nothing left to do but wait. I turned on my radio and was surprised to hear the local country station. I didn't usually listen to it but I remembered playing with the tuner a few days earlier and turning off the radio before putting it back on my regular station. Soon I recognized the song floating out of the speaker. It was a song from years ago that I had first heard while in high school. As I listened to the words, they took on a whole new meaning and I realized how well they applied to my situation.

I decided that I needed Edward to know what I was feeling. He had said so many things to me in the hallway earlier that evening, and yet I said close to nothing. This song fit exactly what I was thinking and I hoped that it would give him some peace of mind once he found out I couldn't keep the promises I had made him.

I took out a paper and started to write. I knew I only had a limited amount of time to do it, and I quickly scribbled a note to him.

_Edward,_

_I'm so sorry for everything I've done, for all the ways I've hurt you. You were the one true source of happiness to me and I know that my life didn't even begin until I met you. _

_I'm so sorry that I let things get out of hand. I'm sorry that I made you feel like you weren't enough. I'm sorry that I didn't have the strength to fight harder for us._

_You tried to help me, and I will eternally be grateful for that. There are so many things I need to tell you, but I can't bring myself to do it. I heard this song and wanted you to read the words. They are like a mirror into my soul._

_It took me by surprise  
__When I saw you standing there  
__Close enough to touch  
__Breathing the same air  
__You asked me how I'd been  
__I guess that's when  
__I smiled and said just fine  
__Oh, but baby I was lying_

_What I really meant to say  
__Is I'm dying here inside  
__And I miss you more each day  
__There's not a night  
__I haven't cried  
__And baby here's the truth  
__I'm still in love with you  
__That's what I really meant to say_

_And as you walked away  
__The echo of my words  
__Cut just like a knife  
__Cut so deep it hurt  
__I held back the tears  
__Held on to my pride  
__And watched you go  
__I wonder if you'll ever know_

_What I really meant to say  
__Is I'm really not that strong  
__No matter how I try  
__I'm still holding on  
__And here's the honest truth  
__I'm still in love with you  
__That's what I really meant to say_

_Please forgive me. I tried the best I could; I just can't do it without you. I want you to be happy and I know you could never be if you stayed with me. _

_You are the one thing I am proud of in my life. The one good thing I ever did. Please love me, always, for I will always love you._

_I belong to you, my love._

_Izzy_

I signed the note with the name that only Edward called me and noticed my mind starting to get blurry. I picked up the picture of Edward and I together that I kept in a frame next to my bed. I traced his face with my fingertips, wondering at how one person could be so beautiful. He was so happy in the picture, I hadn't seen him that way in such a long time. Yet as I thought back over the night I could see some of that happiness in his smile as he stood holding onto Tori when I first saw him across the room. He really was happy, and it made me glad.

I lay down on my bed, waiting for sleep, and my mind began to clear. As it did I was surprised by the things I suddenly remembered.

I remembered the first time Eric offered to share his stash with me. It was right after my father had died, and I was deeply depressed. Edward tried to help me but it was no use. I was desperate and Eric made things sound so good, so easy. After the first time I felt better. After the second time I almost felt normal again. After the third time I was actually happy. I never looked back after that. Eric's magical cure was exactly what I needed.

I remembered the first time Edward found me stoned. He thought I was sick or that something was wrong with me. Then he saw the powder on the table and he knew it was something else. He beat Eric almost unconscious that night, only stopping when I begged him and promised that I would stop using. I did, for almost a week, but Edward had to go back to work eventually, and the first time I saw a picture of me and my father fishing when I was 8 years old, I called Eric. I didn't have any money but he said I could pay him in other ways.

I remembered the first time I has sex with someone other than Edward. I cried the whole time, but the physical need was greater than the emotional one in that moment. Eric was loyal to me and never told Edward about what he and I did together. He never told Edward about what I did with anyone. Somewhere in my troubled mind I thought Eric was my friend. I never saw that he was using me just like I was using him.

As my reality got hazier and I felt myself falling deeper into darkness, I was assaulted by one final vision – the night that haunted me. It was only right that I would be victim to it one last time; that it would be my final dream. Only this time as the nightmare played out, it was different. Things were skewed and twisted and I finally understood that all along I had never seen things the way they really happened. I had turned things around in my mind to make me the victim, when really it had been Edward all along.

I saw myself straddling the body of a man. He was buried deep inside me and I could hear his moans and grunts as he thrust up into me. I ran my finger nails over his naked chest, digging them deeper into him with each pass. I rocked back and forth, sliding up and down his hardness. His hands began squeezing my breasts as I threw my head back, closing my eyes. I saw a glorious face in my mind, the face of the man I wished was beneath me. I imagined his striking green eyes looking into mine, connecting with me like no other person ever had. I could feel his strong but smooth hands gripping my hips, pulling me down onto him. I could hear his voice calling my name. This man made me feel so good, so loved; I shut my eyes tighter to see him more clearly. As the man below me began to groan louder, I knew he was close. I moved my hand to where our bodies were joined, rubbing furiously at the pink bud that I knew would send me over the edge. I wanted to be done with this man so that I could return to the man in my vision. The rocking grew more exaggerated as my moans got louder, finally turning into screams as I felt myself fall into ecstasy. The orgasm erupted through my body just as I heard a door opening and a gasp.

I opened my eyes and turned to see Edward standing in the doorway, a pizza box dropping to the floor. I turned back to see Eric laying underneath me, still caught up in his orgasm. I noticed the stack of wedding announcements I had been addressing scattered across the floor, the diamond ring on my finger shining brightly against the fresh scratches on Eric's chest. I looked back towards Edward and saw him rushing towards me. He grabbed my arm, pulling me from atop Eric, dragging me up the stairs to our bedroom. He slammed the door behind us, grabbing clothes from my dresser drawer and throwing them at me. He began pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair, as he waited for me to dress.

He finally stopped, looking at me, "What was that Iz? What were you doing down there?"

Something inside of me snapped. I screamed, "What do you think it was Edward? What did it look like to you?" I started laughing, "You are so easily fooled Edward. You have no idea what my life is. No idea what the hell I go through. No idea how fucking hard things are for me. You don't even care, do you?"

"Izzy, what are you talking about? How can you say I don't care about you? I have spent the last two years of my life trying to help you and you won't let me! Damn it, nothing I do is good enough, nothing makes a difference!" I could see the pain in his eyes, hear the sound of defeat in his voice, but something else within me was talking.

"I hate every fucking thing that you do Edward! I hate how you look at me, like I'm some poor little wreck that you need to save. I hate how you talk to me, reminding me to do things that I already know I need to do. I hate the way you touch me, like I'm going to break if you push or pull me too hard. I'm not made of glass, Edward; I'm not going to break. Eric knows that, he doesn't treat me like I'm a disgrace. He just fucks me and goes home! Why can't you ever do that for me?" Edward's face contorted into sheer pain, but I couldn't stop myself from pushing him further.

"You see whatever the hell you want to see in me, Edward. You don't take the time to look and see just how fucking messed up I really am. You have no idea how much I will mess you up. I have nothing to lose here, Edward! I have nothing! No family, no friends, no home, NOTHING!"

Tears began to well up in his eyes as he let out a strangled cry, his body crumbling to the floor. "You have me, Izzy, you have me."

I looked down at him with hatred in my eyes, "Damn it Edward, haven't you figured it out yet? I. Don't. Want. You."

I grabbed at the ring on my left hand, pulling it off my finger and throwing it to the ground. With that I walked out of the room, never looking back at him. I left him on the floor, crying out for me to come back.

It was him crying on the floor, not me. It was me screaming the horrible things, not him. The shock of that realization stirred me from the deep, endless sleep that was slowly overtaking me. He was better off without me. He deserved better than what I could offer him. He would be happy with Tori. He would have the life I never could have given him: children, a home, friends, and joy – all the things I would never have been able to provide. His life would be good.

I opened my eyes to see his face one last time, the picture lying next to me on the bed. My finger slowly traced his smile, memorizing the beauty it held. With my last breaths I mumbled the only thing that ever truly mattered to me, "I love you, Edward. Always."

I closed my eyes as the darkness crept over me, pulling me deeper, until there was nothing left but his face.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**A/N: This continues with Edward's POV, and I'm going to warn you now…it's dark, depressing, and sad. It's the worst thing he could ever go through. There aren't going to be any laughs. If you don't want to read that, then just hang on a little longer and wait for the HEA continuation. It's in the works. :)**

**Let me know what you think of it!! I love hearing from you…**


	2. Chapter 2 All We'd Ever Need

**A/N: I don't own this. What I do own is a very pretty New Moon calendar with Edward starring as Mr. January. I don't think I want it to be February anytime soon. **

****Please Read****

**So here we go with the first of four chapters showing Edward's POV after the night he and Bella see each other again. These four chapters will deal with his reaction to seeing her and what happens when he finds out what she's done.**

**After these four chapters, I will go back to the original story and write a different ending where they will, hopefully, get the HEA that everyone is craving. As with all things, Happy Endings are relative and it all depends on how you see things. :)**

**Thanks go to my girlies, my Northern Stars that always remind me of who I am, where I came from, and where I'm going. And they aren't afraid to go all gravity on me and push me down into the mud when I need it. :) I love them. A lot. - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, and coldplaywhore.**_

**Much thanks to **_**wickedcicada**_** for making this pretty. Your 'em dashes' will be the death of me.**

**Thanks to _Risbee_ for prereading this and assuring me that it is, indeed, very depressing. It's good to know I got the feeling of it right. :)**

**Enjoy the first bit of Edward. Just keep in mind, this is the worst thing he could ever go through. It's not gonna be pretty…**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_Boy it's been all this time  
And I can't get you off my mind  
And nobody knows it but me  
I stare at your photograph  
Still sleep in the shirt you left  
And nobody knows it but me  
_

_My friends think I'm moving on  
But the truth is I'm not that strong  
And nobody knows it but me  
I've kept all the words you've said  
In a box underneath my bed  
And nobody knows it but me  
_

_Everyday I wipe my tears away  
So many nights I've prayed for you to say…  
I should've been chasing you  
I should've been trying to prove  
That you were all that mattered to me  
I should've said all the things  
That I kept inside of me  
Maybe I could've made you believe  
That what we had was all we'd ever need  
_

"All We'd Ever Need" by Lady Antebellum

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the past year, I'd worried about running into her around town, but it hadn't happened. Then, the very night before I was due to move to the other side of the country, she appeared, looking more beautiful than I remembered. Why I'd let Tori drag me out that night, I'd never know. I hadn't even wanted to go, and had dreaded it all day, yet I still got dressed and played the part of her doting fiancé. Now, I could barely think straight.

Tori had no reason to complain about me kissing Izzy, it was all Tori's fault that it happened. On the way home in the car I had to listen to her scream and cry and lash out at me. She knew about Izzy and me, she knew our history, and she knew that if I'd had my way we would have been married and starting a family by now. Izzy was my first and only love, and I struggled with finding a balance between what was real and what was never to be. I had come to care about Tori a great deal and in most ways I did love her, but she wasn't Izzy. No matter what Tori did, she could never compare to Isabella Swan. Worst of all, Tori knew it.

We met a few months after Izzy and I had broken up. I was a mess: I didn't care about work, never spent any time with my friends, refused to see my parents, and had basically given up on life. I was done; without Izzy, none of it mattered anyway. For hours I stared at pictures of us, wondering where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing. I craved information about her; was she safe? Was she still using? Why hadn't she returned my calls? Jealousy assaulted me as images of our last night together flashed through my mind. I didn't care that I had serious anger issues to deal with.

Tori was a friend of a friend. I'd met her on the one night I actually agreed to go out drinking with my cousin Tyler. She was nice and she made me laugh for the first time in months. When I was with her I felt lighter, happier. She was nothing like Izzy, and I thrived on the difference. Tori seemed equally enthralled with me and almost before I knew what had happened, we were an item. As we settled into one another's lives, she made clear her plans for the future, which included a loving, career-driven husband and a child or two. I agonized over what to do, but I knew that Tori was good for me. I hadn't heard from Izzy in months, and I really never thought she would come back to me. After a long, heartfelt talk with my father, I agreed that marrying Tori was the right thing for me to do.

After we were engaged, I threw myself into my work. My world was work, Tori, and my parents. Nothing and no one else even entered my line of vision, including the friends I had continually blown off. I tried to convince myself that by focusing on Tori and the things that were good for me, all thoughts of Izzy would disappear and eventually I would be happy again. Things had been working out well and when the job of my dreams opened up in New York, I jumped at it. It was a chance for a fresh start, a chance to make a new life with Tori and become all the things I had dreamed of being. It was also a chance to assure myself that I would never again see the love of my life, and that all the things I had worked so hard for would never be threatened by the intensity of my feelings for her.

I was an idiot.

As we walked into our pre-moving cluttered apartment, boxes scattered around the living room, Tori continued her rant. "I can't believe this Edward—you humiliated me in front of all those people. What were you thinking?"

"Tor, it was in front of _two_ people—you and that Emmett guy. No one else saw anything! Besides, you're never gonna see most of those people again, so what's the big deal?" I was quickly growing frustrated with the situation.

"The big deal is that my fiancé was kissing another woman—and not just any woman, but the 'love of his life.' How is that supposed to make me feel? Come on, Edward, I know you'd rather be with her than with me, so what am I supposed to do now?"

I sighed, getting angrier by the minute. "There is nothing to do, Tori. You're the one I'm marrying and moving to New York with. Get over it already! I was telling her goodbye; that's it! You know the whole story and you know I can't ever be with her, so just drop it!"

I had told Tori all about Izzy and me, and about Izzy's addictions. I didn't want to lie to her or give her the wrong idea about anything from my past. She told me about on her ex-husband, James—how he was a womanizer and a cheat from the moment they married. He had finally left her for a woman named Heidi, and from then on any Heidi that Tori met was instantly suspect. Though I was usually amused by her insecurity, tonight it was making a shocking comeback.

"Edward, do you really expect me to marry you when you're in love with someone else? How is that going to work, exactly? If she gets clean and comes running back, what are you gonna do?" At the worried tone of her voice, I knew I would need to pacify her, but I was still angry.

"Tori, you know that I am faithful to a fault. I've told you about my past, you know this. Izzy isn't an issue anymore. She needs help and until she gets it, there is nothing more I can do for her." I hoped that she wouldn't catch what I was really saying to her, that if a cleaned-up Izzy ever came knocking at my door, I didn't know what choice I would make. But I was smart enough to know that it mostly likely wouldn't be Tori standing by my side at the end of the day.

"I can't talk about this anymore tonight. I'm so mad right now, and I have way too much to think about for this weekend so I'm going to bed." Tori turned and stomped off toward the bedroom, huffing the whole way down the hall. I had to hide the laugh that came with watching her retreating form. She could have her privacy tonight; after all that had happened with Izzy, I had a lot of things to think about.

I went to the hall closet and pulled out a pillow and blanket, the same ones Tori had always kept there and had insisted I use during the first several times I stayed the night. She was a strange girl. Back then, no matter how many hours we spent having sex and fooling around, she would force me to the couch when it was time to sleep. It was like her bed was okay for me as long as I was screwing her, but not if I wanted to sleep next to her. I didn't get it, but always gave her the space she demanded. I made up my bed on the sofa and sat down to remove my shoes.

Leaning back, I sank into the couch and closed my eyes, replaying everything that happened tonight, from dancing with Izzy to kissing her to wanting to push her up against a wall and have my way with her. It was all I could do not to grab her and run from the hotel. She was still sick; I could tell just by looking at her that she was still using. I couldn't even begin to count the number of times I had begged her to stop, for her, for us, or for me, but she couldn't. I knew she wanted to; she just wasn't strong enough. Though she craved me too, I knew I would always take second place to the chemicals she was dependent on.

Opening my eyes, I glanced at a box across the room, on top of which laid a photo album. Though I hadn't seen it in a long time, I knew exactly what was in it. Unable to stop myself, I rose from the couch and walked across the room to pick it up. I ran my fingers reverently across the words on the cover—Edward and Bella Forever. The gold leaf had begun to peel; the irony was painful. Opening the book, I was floored by the first picture I saw—it was Bella at the lake, in the shortest pair of shorts I had ever seen. When the room began to spin, I knew I needed to sit down quickly. I fought back tears at the memory of that day, which seemed like only yesterday.

It was summer and we had gone camping. Izzy hated every minute of it, saying that she couldn't get the dirt out from underneath her fingernails. Though I laughed at her, I secretly agreed. Several of our friends wanted to go and so we went, though the only time we really enjoyed was when we were in our double sleeping bag. We weren't the only ones having sex at night, but the quiet stillness of the forest made us feel like everyone could hear what we were doing. To be honest, they most likely could, but neither of us cared.

When we went to the lake one afternoon, she lay in the sun, soaking up the heat from its rays. She was so beautiful, with her dark hair laying across her pale skin. The shorts she had on weren't helping my situation, and before long, I'd pulled her into the water with me. We swam away from the group and I made love to her in the shallow water of a small, secluded cove. Up to that point, it had been one of the most amazing experiences I'd ever had; after that, there was no denying how much I loved her.

I turned the page of the photo album only to be assaulted by more images of us, each stirring up memories I had long-since buried. My cheeks were warm from the hot tears that slid over them. I ached for her; my whole body burned to hold her again. While Tori offered a distraction, she would never be what I really needed and craved. I felt bad about that, but was content with the fact that she knew everything before she ever agreed to be with me. She said she would take me, broken and all, and I was truly that—broken.

When I opened my eyes again, sunlight was streaming into the room, the windows void of the curtains that had previously hung there. I'd fallen asleep with the photo album tucked beneath me, and my hand was clutching the book so tightly that my muscles were throbbing. I sat up slowly, trying to remember what I had to do.

It was Sunday and there were only a few more days to get everything in order before we left for New York. There was packing to be done, but all I really wanted to do was see my parents. I needed something familiar from my old life, something to jolt me out of the funk that was overtaking me. Something was wrong; I could feel it, but I couldn't figure out exactly what it was. My whole body felt on edge, waiting.

I heard Tori moving around in the bedroom, and thought it would probably be better if she didn't see me with the photo album. It would only stir up emotions that were still raw from last night. She had always been great at burying things by morning, so I expected she'd be chipper today, ignoring all that had gone on only twelve hours before. I put the album into the box marked "Edward's Crap," knowing that she wouldn't look there anytime soon. It was funny how she'd marked this box as irrelevant when it was actually filled with things that were precious to me.

I wandered into the kitchen, intent on breakfast. My stomach growled, and I found a box of cereal and a mixing bowl. I was planning to eat a lot. After about fifteen minutes Tori came strolling in, humming a tune that sounded familiar, though I couldn't quite place it. She smiled and bent down, kissing me on the cheek as she passed.

"Morning, baby," she said.

Mumbling a good morning to her, I continued eating.

"I thought today we could finish packing up the bedroom, then tonight we're supposed to have dinner with my parents. They want to see us one last time," she said. "Sound good?"

"Yeah, that's fine," I said. "I thought I might try to see my mom and dad today too, if we have time. If I don't do that today, I don't know when I'll see them next."

Tori glared at me. "If you think you'll have time to get everything done here and be finished with them before dinner, be my guest. I'm not going with you, just so you know."

I nodded, knowing that she didn't enjoy my parents. To put it bluntly, no one did. Well, no one but Izzy. She was the only girl my mother ever liked, and the only girl my father could tolerate. While they both thought Tori was a good choice for me, neither of them liked her much. I hoped time would change things and that they would bond—hopefully before our children were old enough to sense the tension.

"Once we get the bedroom packed up, we should move on to the guest room and then do the bathroom tomorrow. The living room is pretty much done, and I want to save the kitchen for last," she said.

As if I cared about when things got boxed up. I nodded at her, still eating my cereal.

She came closer, running her fingernails up my arm and leaning in to whisper in my ear. "Maybe if you're a good boy today and get all the bedroom stuff done, I'll make it worth your while." Her hand crossed my chest and slid down toward the pants I was still wearing from last night. Ignoring her, I continued to eat as she began to kiss and nibble my ear, her hand finally taking hold of my cock. I groaned, knowing that it had a mind of its own and would respond to her even without my consent. Sure enough, it grew harder, which only egged Tori on.

When she began to suck on the skin just under my ear and run her other hand through my hair, I gave in. As much as I didn't want to have her hands on me, it felt too good and I needed the distraction. Dropping my spoon, I pushed the bowl away, snaking an arm around her waist. I pulled her to me and turned my head, kissing her roughly. After a few moments of sucking on her bottom lip, she pushed me away. "Edward, we can't do this; we need to pack first."

I didn't stop. "Tor, if we do this now I can guarantee you I'm gonna be in a better mood for packing." I moved my mouth to her jaw and began placing slow, wet kisses along it. When she moaned, I knew she was close to giving in.

"Edward…" she sighed, weaving her hand into my hair. I had her, just like I knew I would. Standing, I quickly pulled her body fully against mine. My lips moved back to hers and I forced my tongue into her mouth, exploring the warmth that awaited me there. Moving my hands down to the hem of her shirt, I quickly drew it up and over her head, throwing it to the ground. Her red lacy bra was soon gone and I bent to take her nipples into my mouth, one at a time. I sucked on the hardened peaks as she continued to moan, calling out my name over and over again.

I needed her, fast. I didn't want to make love to Tori, not with all those memories of making love with Izzy so fresh in my mind. They were nothing alike. Tori was my way to get release, but I didn't need to take my time; I wanted it to be over with.

Spinning her around, I bent her over the bar. I grabbed the waistband of her sweatpants and pulled them down to her thighs, letting them fall the rest of the way to the floor. My hands grazed over the smooth skin of her bottom, then plunged down toward the wet heat that awaited me. Her head fell back as she let out a cry of satisfaction. I slid my fingers in and out of her while my other hand quickly undid my pants. I pushed them down, feeling my dick spring forth.

She groaned when I withdrew my hand and wrapped it around my shaft, pumping a few times to coat myself with her wetness. I moved my hand to her mouth and she sucked my fingers in to taste herself on me. As she swirled her tongue around my fingertips, I thrust my cock into her with enough force that she gasped loudly, crying out to me. I sank my hands into her hips, pulling her toward me and then pushing away as I continued to plunge deep inside of her. I closed my eyes and imagined Izzy's long, dark, flowing hair, her dark eyes, her melodic voice calling my name. It was over then, quick and fast, just like I wanted. With two last thrusts, I was coming into Tori, moaning and quietly calling out the name of the only girl I'd ever loved. "Izzy," I breathed.

As we both stilled, I felt Tori go rigid, knowing that she had most likely heard me. I pulled out, ashamed of how I had used her. Ashamed of being so consumed with someone I could never have. Tori didn't look at me; instead, she bent her head to the countertop. When her shoulders began shaking, I knew that she was crying. I was an idiot and didn't deserve her.

I pulled up my pants and then hers. She flinched when I touched her, but said nothing.

"Tor, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Please, can you forgive me?" I asked, rubbing my hands up and down her arms. Her face was buried in her hands and she was sobbing softly.

"Do you love me at all, Edward? Even a little bit?" she asked.

I swallowed, unsure of how to express my feelings. "Yes, I do love you; I just mess things up sometimes. You have to believe me, Tor."

A desperate need to reassure her swept through me. Looking toward my future, I knew that Tori was the best option for me, even though she might not be what I really wanted. Being with her was better than being alone, something my parents had pointed out when I struggled with deciding on whether or not to propose to her. The need to be happy—especially after so much heartache in my relationship with Izzy—was strong and I put aside what I truly wanted in favor of what was best for me. Standing next to Tori, listening to her cry, made me realize that my love for Izzy was putting my happiness and my future in jeopardy. I needed Tori to believe me.

She turned around to face me. "Were you thinking about me just now? When we were doing that, were you thinking about me, or someone else?"

Not wanting to lie to her, I just looked at the floor.

She nodded at me, seeing the truth in my actions. "That's what I thought. Is that why you turned me around? So you wouldn't have to see my face?"

"No!" I said, "I just wanted it to be quick—that's all. I didn't do it on purpose; I didn't plan this out. I just needed you right then."

"No, you needed a body and hers wasn't here, so you took the next best thing. That's all I am to you, isn't it? The next best thing. Well, Edward, I can't be that for you, just so you know. If you can't be with ME when you're with me, then I can't be with you. I know you loved her; I know it's hard, but you don't hear me screaming out James' name when we have sex, do you? I would never disrespect you that way. I love you and I want you."

Her words reminded me yet again that I wasn't good enough for her, that I wasn't right for her. Fresh guilt washed over me as she continued, "Please tell me what to do to make you forget her. You're breaking my heart, Edward, and I can't live like this much longer. Tell me what to do."

I closed my eyes, unable to look at her. "I don't know what to do, Tor. I really don't, but I'm trying, okay? I'm trying to make things all right and I'm trying to be good for you. I want to be with you; please believe that. I want you."

We were silent for a few moments, and when I finally opened my eyes, she was staring at me sadly. "You only want me because she doesn't want you." With that, she turned and walked away, back to the bedroom that was really only hers to begin with.

I stood, engulfed in the silence around me. The bedroom door closed softly, and I knew Tori was hurting as much as I was. It wasn't her fault; I was treating her badly, even if I didn't mean to. I looked down at the cereal I had pushed aside and resolved that I would give up Izzy. Never again would I make Tori feel second-best. I discarded the remains of my breakfast and stepped into the living room, determined to finish the packing that was left there.

After about an hour, I had the contents of our living room completely boxed and everything labeled. Things would still end up in the wrong places, but I needed to do something to help. Tori hadn't reemerged yet, and for a few minutes I contemplated leaving and going to see my parents. This was the only time I would have to see them, but I couldn't leave Tori hurting and angry. I would simply have to find another time to see my parents before we left.

I decided to get to work on the bathroom, packing everything we wouldn't need in the next few days. If I could get that out of the way, maybe Tori would feel a little better—not so stressed about everything we still had to finish. As I emptied the bottom drawer, I heard my cell phone ringing. The ringtone wasn't one I recognized, so I let it go to voicemail, but a few minutes later the same jingle rang out again.

Though I had no desire to answer the call, something pulled me toward the phone. I lifted it to check the caller ID, noting the name of the hospital where my father worked. Assuming he was calling about meeting me, I flipped open the phone.

"Hey, Dad," I said. Instead of my father's voice, there was silence. "Hello?"

"Yes, I'm looking for Edward Cullen," I heard, the voice not one that was familiar to me.

"This is Edward Cullen; can I help you?"

"Hi, Mr. Cullen, I'm calling from Seattle Memorial Hospital. We had a patient in our emergency department today who listed you as a primary contact."

My heart began to race. Who would have listed me as their emergency contact? Stunned, my mind reeled for a moment before I replied, "Are you sure? I can't think of anyone who would have listed me. You may have the wrong Edward Cullen—maybe it's someone else?"

"This is Edward Anthony Cullen of 623 North Sycamore Lane in Seattle?"

My mind raced. That was my old address, for the house I had lived in all through college.

"Yes, that's my old address; who is the patient who has me listed?" I asked, afraid to hear her reply.

"Sir, the patient's name was Isabella Marie Swan. Do you know a Miss Swan?"

Izzy…

I couldn't speak. All day I had felt that something was off, not right. It had been my Izzy. I didn't want to hear any more.

"Mr. Cullen? Are you there, sir?"

"Yes," I whispered, dreading the words I knew were coming, the words I had never wanted to hear. I had listened to them in my nightmares for the past three years.

"Mr. Cullen, Ms. Swan was brought into the emergency department this morning. Since you are listed as her primary contact, we need you to come down to collect her things."

"Her things? What are you talking about? What happened to her?"

"I'm sorry, sir. I'm not at liberty to discuss specifics over the phone, but if you could come down sometime today, someone will be able to answer your questions and help you take care of all the arrangements."

Arrangements? Arrangements for what? Did she need help paying her bills? Did she need a ride home? Did she need someone to stay with her? I didn't understand what was needed of me.

"Look, ma'am, I don't really know what's going on here. Can you tell me how she is? Does she need to see me or something?" I asked, confused and desperate to know what was wrong with Iz.

The silence on the other end of the line was eerie. "Mr. Cullen, I'm sorry to inform you that Ms. Swan is deceased. I really shouldn't tell you this, but it appears to have been a drug overdose. Her records say she ingested a large amount of sleeping pills and alcohol. She was dead on arrival, sir."

I dropped the phone, watching distantly as it clattered across the floor. I fell to my knees, a scream tearing loose from my chest. My Izzy…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

**A/N: How much do you hate me right now? Don't worry, it only gets harder from here on out. :)**

**I'm not making any rec's right now, I know if it was me I'd be too depressed to read anything this crazy writer suggested. If you need something, check my favorites list – it's full of awesomeness. It really is.**

**Don't forget, I'm on Twitter and this story has a thread on Twilighted. You can find links to those in my profile. Come play, it's fun. :)**

**Let me know what you thought!! The next chapter will be posted just as soon as it's prettied up for you.**


	3. Chapter 3 Holding Out For You

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is a 2 foot long walking and talking robotic toy dinosaur that I got a smokin' deal on. Too bad it's for my little girl's birthday in May. :D Who says girls can't like dinosaurs? :P**

**** Tissue Alert ****

**A severe tissue alert has been issued for this chapter. Please make sure to have some nearby before you begin reading. As always, remember to properly dispose of used tissues because really, that's just gross and no one wants to pick that up for you. :)**

**Thanks go to my girlies, my Northern Stars who worry about me. I love you all for that, I really, really do. - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore.**_

**Much thanks to **_**wickedcicada**_** for making this pretty. I love your checklist. Sometimes I just sit and read through it and marvel at your awesomeness and wonder why on earth you chose to grace me with it. I'm so glad you did.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**and **_**Unchanged Affections **_**who pre read this for me and assured me that most of you will not, in fact, hate me when it's over. I hope you girls are right. If not, then I'll still have you, right? RIGHT??? :P Thanks to **_**ARenee363**_** for some wonderful advice and direction in the second part of this. You were a lifesaver and really pushed me for more - I'm so grateful for your help.**

**As always, a little reminder…**

**After these four chapters, I will go back to the original story and write a different ending where they will, hopefully, get the HEA that everyone is craving. As with all things, Happy Endings are relative and it all depends on how you see things. :)**

**Let the angst begin…**

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

_I can hear you smile in the dark  
I can even feel you breathing  
But daylight chases the ghosts  
I see your coat and I fall apart  
To those hints of you I'm clinging  
Now's when I need them most  
I should get up, dry my eyes and move ahead  
At least that's what you would have said_

_I still run, I still swing open the door  
I still think, you'll be there like before  
Doesn't everybody out there know to never come around  
Some things a heart won't listen to  
I'm still holding out for you_

"Holding Out For You" by SheDaisy

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I sat for what seemed like hours sobbing, in complete shock and not even aware of Tori shaking me, calling out my name. When I finally was able to see her, there was terror in her eyes. She had no idea what was going on. I saw her glance toward my phone, and lean over to pick it up. She spoke into it, but I didn't register any words that she said. I saw her lips moving, but I didn't care what came out of them. They weren't the lips I wanted to see—the lips I wanted to see moving were dead. I saw tears running down her cheek as she spoke to the woman in the phone, but I didn't care. They weren't the tears I wanted to see—the tears I wanted to see would never fall again. I felt her arms wrap around my shoulders, but I didn't care. They weren't the arms I wanted around me—the arms I wanted around me were dead.

"Edward, come on. I'll help you; we need to go to the hospital."

I looked into her eyes, angry at the blue there, yearning for the brown I wished I could see instead. I didn't want her there with me; I didn't want Tori there ruining my time with Izzy. "No, I have to do this alone. You can't be there," I whispered.

"Edward, you can't drive like this. You'll get yourself killed, or kill someone else. I'll help you Edward—I'll take you to her." She rubbed my shoulders, trying her best to soothe me, speaking those words over and over again. Tears burned my cheeks, but I had no desire to stop them. It was like the night Izzy left me all over again. Unable to stop myself, I rocked back and forth, aching for her.

I had to see her. If only I could touch her, know that she was real. I'd felt the same way on the night she'd walked away from me. My mind begged for it to all to be a lie, but my heart knew the truth—I had lost her all over again, but this time there was no chance she would come back to me.

My body functioned on autopilot as Tori got us into the car and to the hospital. I didn't speak, didn't think, and barely even managed to breathe. She had to help me walk, leading me to where I had to go. As we entered the hospital lobby, I was shocked to see my father there, waiting near the information desk. I ran to him and dissolved in his arms, feeling like a lost child. He held me, something completely out of character for him. He was never one to show much emotion, but when things were bad, he always knew exactly what to do.

He led us to the hospital morgue and quickly took care of the paperwork. Izzy hadn't left much to claim, just a bag with a few items of clothing, the clips from her hair, some earrings that I knew had belonged to her mother, and a necklace… Seeing the necklace broke me, and I grasped the countertop for support. I'd given the necklace to her on our last Christmas together. I had already proposed, so a ring wasn't appropriate, but I wanted something she could always wear to remind her of me and my love for her. The gold chain had two intertwined hearts, so closely worked that it was almost impossible to tell where one heart stopped and the other began—just like us. Taking the necklace in my palm, I brought it to my chest and held it against my heart. Desperately, I tried to remember if she had been wearing it at the party, but I couldn't. That brought more tears, knowing that I had held her, kissed her, but hadn't even noticed if she was still wearing our necklace.

The man behind the counter said he would have Izzy's body picked up by a nearby funeral home, but I couldn't leave her. I needed to see her. My father stepped in, worried it wouldn't be a good idea for me. Tori questioned my decision, saying it would only upset me more. Honestly, I didn't think I could get any lower than I already was.

I was wrong.

We approached the double doors that led to the room where my Izzy was. I paused, looking at the necklace in my hand. Turning to my father and Tori, I took a deep breath. "I need to do this by myself. Please, I hope you can understand; I need to be alone with her." With tears in his eyes, my father nodded, conveying his desire to support me and to offer his strength as he complied with my request. When he raised his hand to pat my shoulder, I knew he was proud of me and what I was about to do.

I turned to the woman who had brought me back to life over the past year. I didn't deserve Tori, nor the love and devotion she had shown me. Unwilling to look at me, she kept her eyes trained on the floor. "Tor, I'm sorry. I just need this. Please."

She slowly raised her head, finally meeting my gaze. "I know, Edward, but this is killing me." Tears began falling down her cheeks and my heart would have hurt for her if it could have held any more sadness. "You need her; I get that, but I need _you_. I need to be a part of your life and I'm just not. I'm never going to mean even a fraction of what she meant to you, and that kills me."

She continued to cry, looking into my eyes. I felt guilty for leading her on, for making her believe I loved her as much as she loved me, for loving the dead girl in the other room more than I would ever be able to love Tori. I touched the wet trails on her cheek, watching her close her eyes and lean into my hand.

"I'm so sorry, Tor. I never meant for this to happen. I didn't know it would be like this. Please believe me; I never wanted to hurt you."

She nodded, opening her eyes to look at me. "Go, Edward—go to her. I'll be here when you're done; I'll always be here for you." With that, she turned and hurried down the hallway, away from me and my grief.

"Edward," my father said, "go to her. Tori's a good person and I'm sure she's put up with a lot, but your heart has always been with Bella. Go and be with her one more time."

I nodded and pulled my father into another embrace before turning and pushing through the swinging doors.

The room was large and cold—gray, shiny, sterile surfaces blurring together. My eyes were drawn to the far corner and one small table with a blue sheet lying across the length of it. My Izzy was underneath the sheet, and my heart stuttered as the reality of the situation reared its ugly head once again. She truly was gone.

The truth crashed down on me and I fell to my knees with a gasp, finally believing what I had hoped was just a misunderstanding. Less than twenty-four hours earlier she had stood in front of me, had confessed her love for me, and now she lay still and silent under a sea of crisp, ocean-colored fabric. I rubbed my eyes with the palms of my hands, wishing I could erase the sight. Shaking my head, I took a few deep breaths before forcing myself to stand, leaning against the wall for support.

I willed my feet to move in her direction, not stopping until I stood at the end of the table. I picked up the chart that hung at the table's edge, wanting to see her name for myself. There it was: Isabella Marie Swan.

Dropping the chart, I looked toward the sheet. I lifted the edge closest to me, seeing her feet and her little red toenails. When I first met her, she never did anything girlie. She didn't even own a bottle of nail polish. Several weeks after she moved into my house, I commented on how her friend Rosalie's nails were painted red. While I wasn't interested in Rosalie, I had definitely had been turned on by visions of Bella with red toenails peeking out from under my bedsheets. I was so attracted to her from the moment we met that it had taken all my willpower not to grab her and kiss her as I showed her my house. A few days after the nail polish comment, she walked barefoot through the kitchen with blood-red toenails. When she smiled at me, I knew my attraction to her wasn't just one-sided.

I touched the nail polish on her toes, reliving the memory, and felt the coldness radiating from her. I pulled the sheet back over her feet, wanting to protect her from the frigid air of the room. I ghosted my hand across the thin material as I walked toward her head, pausing as I lightly traced patterns over the areas that covered her hips, stomach and breasts. I would save her collarbones for later, when the sheet was removed. I had to touch them for real, but these other parts of her—these parts I loved—would have to be explored through the thin ocean-blue barrier.

My mind wandered, remembering the feel of her neck against my nose, my lips. I remembered the feel of life flowing just under her skin as my tongue darted out to lick her, sucking on the tender flesh above her collarbones. Nuzzling deeper into her, breathing in her scent and feeling her desire for me—that was my favorite place to be. Every time I saw those ridges peek out through the open collar of her shirt or ran my fingers tips over them, I was instantly aroused, aching for her and the feeling of completion only she could bring to me. Forcing myself back to reality, I had to touch her there one last time.

When I reached the other end of the table, I leaned forward slightly, taking hold of the blue divider, slowly peeling it back to reveal the chestnut-colored curls of my Izzy. Her face soon materialized, and I stopped once her neck and shoulders were visible. Waves of regret and heartbreak washed over me at the sight of her peaceful face. The tears I had fought so hard came on with a vengeance, and I sobbed uncontrollably. I had gone so long without seeing her face, without looking at the light dusting of freckles that brushed her cheeks and the bridge of her nose. There was still some pink there, though it was fading. It was nothing like the blush that I used to love to watch creep across her face when she was embarrassed or nervous.

I trembled at the reality that lay before me. I couldn't catch my breath as my fingers crumpled the veil that covered her. She was nude under the thin sheet, and I was irrationally angry that they would subject her to the freezing temperature in the room. She had always been so warm and full of life, but this room was nothing like that. I hated it, wanting to protect her just as I'd always tried to do. This time she wouldn't be able to prevent me from doing it, and the thought of that caused me to double over in pain. I had never felt such despair, even when Izzy left me, throwing her ring in my face.

I longed to touch her, to have her in my arms once again. I raised my hand and softly stroked her hair, wrapping the curls lightly around my fingers. I caressed her face, reverently tracing her cheekbones and forehead and nose. I felt the soft sweep of her eyelashes and the velvety texture of her supple lips. I ran my fingers along her chin and jawbone, tracing a path to her collarbones. I lingered there, letting my fingers memorize the shape of the bones beneath the skin. She looked as if she were only sleeping. I waited, hoping it had all been a mistake, yearning for her to take a breath and open her eyes, but it didn't happen. I marveled at her beauty, knowing I had never truly been worthy of her. Despite everything that had happened between us, despite the addiction that drove her away from me, I had never been good enough for her.

My breath caught in my throat as I admired her. I brought my hand up to cup her cheek, stroking it with my thumb. I loved her—I always had and always would. I slowly bent toward her, closing my eyes as I got nearer. I gently kissed her lips, savoring the feel of them against mine. They were cold and unmoving, and in that moment I knew she was truly gone. My chest tightened as I pulled away from her, only a breath away from touching her again. My breath reflected off her and warmed my face as my tears dripped onto her skin. Feeling defeated and completely alone, I wished that _her_ eyes had cried those tears, remembering how many of them had fallen there in the past. Despite my best efforts, I had failed to do more than brush them away. The reasons for her sadness never really healed.

Drawing back, I opened my eyes to take in her beauty once again. As I brushed the fine hairs back from her forehead, I murmured the only thing I could think of in the moment: "I can't live in a world where you don't exist." I couldn't be without her. Even if she wasn't with me in a physical sense, she had always been with me spiritually. I could still feel her with me, though it was different now—almost stronger than it had been before.

It felt as if someone was watching me, and I turned to see who was there. Though I saw no one, I knew I wasn't alone. Goosebumps pebbled my skin and the hair on my arms stood on end. For a moment I felt afraid of who might be observing us, but then the feeling vanished, replaced by a warm comfort that embraced every cell of my body. Finally at peace, I turned back to see that Izzy was, too.

This was the last moment Izzy and I would share, and though she couldn't tell me how she felt, words began to flow from my mouth. I told her about my life, how I had trudged through every day without her, how I had prayed for her to come back to me. I expressed my unending love for her and told her how I wished I could see her smile just once more.

Inconsolable, I leaned down to rest my forehead against hers as tears rained down on her perfect features. I heard a noise behind me—it was soft, as if someone were breathing. I hesitated, not wanting to see anyone else yet, but when the sound continued I raised my head and turned. I opened my eyes, shocked at the sight before me. It was my Izzy; she stood a few feet from me with a smile on her lips. She was beautiful, radiating light and warmth. Her lips moved, but I couldn't hear what she was saying. I straightened, afraid of turning away from her, afraid of losing her. She raised her hand, reaching out to me, and I willed my arms to move, but they wouldn't. As much as I wanted to know that she was real, I couldn't move to touch her.

I needed to tell her that I loved her, to wait for me, that I would be with her as soon as I could, but I didn't know how long she would stay. Then I heard her voice, as clear as day. "Edward, I love you. I've always loved you. I'm so sorry for everything. I'll wait for you forever, if you'll have me."

Amazed, I stared as she spoke, feeling her love wash over me.

"Edward, it's okay. I'm happy and I'm okay. Please don't be sad—it won't be long before we're together again."

She continued to smile at me, and I saw the sheer wonder of her in all her glory. In a hushed whisper, I said, "Wait for me. I need you; I can't do this without you. Please don't leave me."

Her smile faltered. "You can do this. You are the strongest person I've ever known, Edward. I'll be here, waiting for you. I love you, always."

"I love you too, my Izzy. Always."

The light began to fade, taking her with it. Anguish rushed over me and I called out to her, "No, don't…don't go. Please…" An overwhelming feeling of isolation swept me up and I begged for her to stay with me, but she was gone. The heat and love that had embraced me only moments earlier were gone. My hope for the future, my will to live, my reason for being—all gone. My Izzy was gone. I closed my eyes, letting the sadness take me, as I repeated, "Don't go…don't go…don't go…"

After several minutes of pleading for whatever god ruled the heavens to send her back, I gave up. I could still feel her in the room; even the air was warmer than before. She had been there checking on me, making sure I was okay. Clinging to the hope that somehow I'd see her again, I blinked, wondering if it had just been a vision created by my tormented mind. I turned back to her body and saw it for what it was—just a shell that had once housed the beautiful spirit I loved. _She_ wasn't there anymore, yet I knew with all my heart that her soul still existed. I knew she loved me, and that I would do whatever it took to make sure I saw her again. I wouldn't let this be the last time we were together; I couldn't let it be.

"Goodbye for now, my love," I crooned gently, placing one last chaste kiss on her forehead. I paused slightly before I slowly raised the sheet to cover the mortal body of the woman who held my heart. I would never stop loving her, and would wait for the day when I could see her again.

I turned from the table and walked to the doors, not stopping to look back at her body. All I'd wanted to see was her, but she was no longer in that room.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**A/N: I'm sad, I hate breaking Edward's heart. Okay, maybe I don't, but I hate seeing him cry. Okay, well, maybe I like that a little bit too, but still... :) **

**I'm aiming to post the next chapter two weeks from today. I'm loving this alternating weeks thing for my stories. If you need some amazing stories to read, go check out the ending A/N's on my other story, **_**What Hurts The Most**_**. I always rec two in progress stories and then one complete one. I wouldn't share it if it wasn't incredible, so I think you'll be happy. :)**

**Don't forget, I'm on Twitter and this story has a thread on Twilighted. You can find links to those in my profile. Come play, it's fun. :) Plus you can yell at me if you want to. :)**

**If you still love me, tell me what you thought of this. **


	4. Chapter 4 Go Rest High on that Mountain

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own, or rather who owns me, are my two friends having birthdays this week. Today is my friend **_**DarkOrangeConverse**_**'s birthday!!! Hopefully this will be a good gift for her. :) And on Saturday is My **_**Risbee**_**'s birthday. I have something else in mind for her birthday…a few something's to be exact. But telling you would ruin the surprise, and I love that girl too much to do that. :P**

**There may be a few more tears this chapter; things aren't getting much better yet. Just beware and don't say I didn't warn you. **

**Thanks go to my girlies, my Northern Stars who tell me I write good stuff, even when I know they are lying. And thanks for talking me down from ledges CPW - the Superstition Mountains are much prettier without me splattered all over them. :) - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore.**_

**Much thanks to **_**wickedcicada**_** for making this pretty. Thanks for letting me keep the parts I loved. I adore you for that.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**and**_** Unchanged Affections – **_**two of the best little prereaders I ever did meet. I love that you girls find all of my mistakes and tell me when you can't understand the ramblings of my brain—I don't half the time either. **

**We only have one more chapter of this to go. I don't know if it will be up next week or in two weeks, I'm still debating. Maybe I'll surprise you.**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_I know your life on earth was troubled  
And only you could know the pain  
You weren't afraid to face the devil  
You were no stranger to the rain_

_Oh, how we cried the day you left us_  
_We gathered round your grave to grieve_  
_I wish I could see the angels faces_  
_When they hear your sweet voice sing_

"Go Rest High On That Mountain" by Vince Gill

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next few days flew by, but seemed to take a million years. I was in agony, never having experienced so much sadness, anger, and frustration. At the same time, I was also relieved. It was hard to get a handle on my emotions, so I chose to keep them bottled up. Inwardly, I might have been a caged beast, but outwardly, I was a zombie.

Tori notified my employer in New York of my absence, telling them I needed a few weeks to deal with a death in the family. Though they complied, I wished she had told them to hire someone else. I had no intention of ever reporting to work there.

Tori and I slept at home that first night, but after lying awake until dawn, I knew I couldn't stay there again. That morning I called Alice, a friend of Izzy's whose number was still in my phone. She had been the person to find Izzy and call for help. I convinced her to meet me at Izzy's apartment so we could go through her belongings. I dreaded the meeting, because she sounded inconsolable; I had more than enough grief of my own.

When I walked in, I was overwhelmed by Izzy's presence. The place even smelled like her. Fresh pain shot through me when I saw framed photos of us on her bookshelves alongside pictures of her father and friends.

I managed to contain my emotions until I walked into her bedroom. When I saw her bed and a picture of me laying next to a withered bouquet of flowers, my eyes began to sting. Alice came to stand behind me, placing her hand on my back to comfort me.

"She was on the bed when I got here. Your picture was in her hands, lying on her chest. She looked so happy, so peaceful. I thought she was just sleeping, but she didn't move."

My breath hitched as I envisioned the sight in my mind.

"I shook her," Alice's voice quivered as she continued, "but she wouldn't wake up. There was some wine and a glass and pill bottle on the nightstand; I think the EMTs took the empty pill bottle with them. The police took the wine bottle and the glass; I guess they wanted to check for fingerprints or something."

I nodded, focusing on the slight indention in the mattress where Izzy would have spent so many nights over the past year.

"It made no sense that she had your picture; I'd always thought you had left her. She didn't talk much about it, but there was so much pain in her eyes when she did that I just assumed it was you. But her note surprised me."

I turned to Alice. "What note? What are you talking about?"

She looked up at me, and I was struck by how closely she resembled a young girl rather than the twenty-something woman I knew her to be. "Izzy's note—didn't the police give you her note?"

I shook my head, confused and craving details. "The police didn't say anything about that. What did it say?"

She nodded slowly, "She apologized to you and quoted a song—something about her feelings for you. I'm so sorry, Edward; I thought the police would have given it to you."

"They didn't, but I need to read it so I'll call them."

We agreed to meet again the next day and begin packing up the contents of Izzy's apartment. She had no family to give things to, so we decided on a charity that could take her furniture, clothing, and other possessions that didn't have personal meaning for us. I decided to stay the night, needing to be surrounded by Izzy for as long as I could, even if there were only her things around me.

Alice smiled, assuring me that she'd be back the next morning with packing boxes. She offered to bring me dinner but I declined, not having any appetite.

After she left, I lay on the sofa looking through Izzy's photo albums. She had always been so beautiful and happy; seeing her memories comforted me. I found her journals, and while it was awkward to read them, there was peace in seeing her thoughts. I read an entry from soon after we met and was surprised at how she'd gushed over me. At the time we had known each other for only a few weeks, had lived together for only a few days, and yet every thought she recorded had something to do with me. I laughed at how much time I had wasted, not knowing she'd been interested in me in the first place. If only I had been able to read her words then, I would have asked her out the day we met.

My happiness vanished when I read the first entry after her father had been killed. She had always seemed so strong, yet here was evidence of just how destroyed she truly had been. The more I read, the easier it became for me to understand why she had turned to drugs. After several entries, she finally began to mention them and how they made her feel. I had begun to grow angry when I read something that stopped me in my tracks.

_The stuff Eric gave me today was amazing. It cost a fortune compared to what I usually get, but it took only one hit to make me feel as good as three or four hits of the other stuff. Edward seems so much better now that I'm acting happy. He was so worried, always fussing over me and putting his own wants and needs aside. I love him so much; I just want him to be happy. I want to make him happy and right now this is the only way I know how to do it. I want to be good for him. He's everything I've ever wanted and I love him so much it scares me sometimes. I feel like I'm whole when I'm with him. I know that he will leave me if he ever finds out about what I'm doing, and I don't think I can handle that. I need him. He's my everything._

It broke me to know she had started using as a way to make me happy, and I cried as I read. When I reached an entry where she began using her body as payment for the drugs, I couldn't read anymore. The few bits I'd seen made it clear that she couldn't stop, no matter how much she hated herself. I wished I had known at the time, wished I could have saved her, and knowing there was nothing I could do tore me apart.

I wanted to spend the night enveloped in Izzy's scent, so I returned to her bedroom, shedding my clothes before climbing into her bed. When my eyes adjusted to the darkness I noticed something on the side of the table, and leaned forward to get a closer look. The markings were letters: _I + E_. _Izzy plus Edward…_ I traced the letters, letting the sadness overtake me. Eventually, I cried myself to sleep, taking comfort in having her scent around me.

I didn't even bother calling Tori; she'd known when I left our apartment that I probably wouldn't be back. I had no plans to return, but after a couple of days I needed clothes. Alice had been wonderful, bringing me food and letting me borrow clothes from her boyfriend. She brought him one day to help with the packing, and another day she brought her cousin, Emmett. Izzy had dated him briefly, which put me on edge. I hadn't wanted to know the full extent of their relationship, but once he began to reminisce about Izzy, I felt calmer. I was happy she'd had someone kind and genuine in her life, who had her best interests at heart, who kept her from being alone. I was grateful to him for taking care of her in my absence.

Once the apartment has been completely packed and all the donation items picked up, I stood in the empty space, looking for signs of Izzy, but there were none. I had a few boxes of things to keep for myself and Alice had taken what she wanted, but other than that every trace of my Izzy's life was gone. I entered the bedroom one last time, thinking of Izzy and wondering what had gone through her mind as she walked that path for the last time. Like I had a hundred times before, I wished I had grabbed her that night as I'd wanted to do, and that I had run away with her. I would have endured her addiction if it meant she'd have lived, but it was too late for that now.

I drove to my parents' house, arriving well after midnight. They weren't surprised to see me and I sat up talking with my mother until the early morning hours. I poured out my heart and soul to her, not holding anything back. She agreed I could stay with them for as long as I needed—she simply wanted me to be okay. I had already called Tori, asking her to set my things aside so that movers could pick them up for me. I was a coward, unable to face her. I loved Tori, but I wasn't in love with her, and I couldn't be unfair to her anymore. I explained everything in my message, but that didn't mean she wouldn't hate me anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As the sun rose, I sat staring at my blue suit, remembering that it was Izzy's favorite. My mother initially questioned my choice, thinking I'd rather be more traditional and wear black, but once I explained, she understood my choice. The suit had been delivered the day before, along with most of my belongings from Tori's apartment. I dreaded putting the suit on, knowing that Izzy's funeral was in only a few hours.

Some people scoffed at the idea of having a funeral for a girl with no family and few friends, but their opinions didn't matter. I wanted her to have everything and if that meant a funeral with masses of flowers, that's what she would get. We'd elected to have a simple graveside service. I was going to say a few words, as would Alice and Rosalie, followed by anyone else who wanted to speak. Alice had insisted that we find someone from a church to speak, so I let her take care of it, not caring about the details.

"Edward, are you ready to go?" my mother's voice floated up the stairs.

"I'll be right down."

I descended the staircase and watched my father entering the room. He and my mother wore solemn expressions that matched the black clothing they had selected for the day, while my blue suit directly reflected my mood. I took one of the photo albums I'd brought from Izzy's apartment and walked outside to the waiting car. It was going to be a long couple of hours, but I was as prepared as I could be. My Izzy deserved only the best, and I would give her that, even if this was the only chance I would ever have to do so.

The sky was cloudy and overcast as we approached the cemetery. Though I hoped the rain would hold off until after the ceremony, I knew that wasn't likely. The wet ground squelched around my shoes as I left the car, stepping onto the drenched grass. Alice and a few others were already seated under the prepared awning, and I looked around, marveling at the beauty of the spot where my only love would be laid to rest. We had chosen it together, when her father died—we thought it was beautiful and had bought three plots, one for each of us. At the time, I'd let Izzy think it was simply for her and her future husband, but in my heart, I'd had every intention of being that husband, of spending eternity beside her. I still did.

My parents followed me toward the chairs and I introduced them to the guests. Everyone seemed dazed, likely still coming to grips with the events that had brought us here. They'd had no idea of the extent of Izzy's problems. We sat in relative silence, waiting for the last few minutes before beginning. The minister arrived and I went to speak with him. I was shocked to see Tori seated alone in the back row of chairs, obviously lost in her own thoughts.

Cautiously, I walked over to sit beside her. "Hi. I didn't know you were coming."

She raised her head, staring forward, "I wanted to be here for you, but I can see you don't need me."

A tear slid down her cheek and I reached to wipe it away, sad that she flinched from my touch. "I'm so sorry Tori. I don't know what else to say. But I'm glad that you're here."

She turned to face me, disbelief in her eyes. "Really? Why is that?"

I cleared my throat. "I wanted to apologize for everything. You're such a good person; you deserve someone incredible who will love you as you deserve to be loved. I wish I could be that for you, but I can't, and I'm sorry."

She sniffled and nodded, "I think I've known that all along, but I wanted you so much that I ignored it. I hope you won't hate me for that."

Slowly, I shook my head. "Tori, I could never hate you. You have been so wonderful to me and for me, and I do love you. But this is just something I can't get past, and it's not fair to you. I want you to be happy."

She continued to nod as her tears fell. Glancing down at her lap, I saw her gently caress my grandmother's ring on her finger. "This is yours, Edward. It should stay with you and your family. It's only right; I want you to have this back."

I sat in stunned silence, unsure of how to respond as she cautiously placed the ring in my hand. I looked at the delicate circle of gold in my palm, marveling at the memories it stirred in me. It should have made me feel sad or guilty that my first thought was of slipping it onto Izzy's finger, but it didn't. In a shaky voice I said, "Thank you—I appreciate this."

"Of course," she said. "Edward, I want you to be happy, and I know that's not ever going to happen with me, so I want you to move on. Find someone who can help you, if that's even possible. I will always love you, but I understand the way you feel about her, and that's the only reason I can walk away from you."

"What are you going to do?" I asked, curious about her plans.

She took a deep breath. "I'm going to New York. Everything is set up for me there, and I need to be somewhere new with new people and new opportunities. I can't stay here and live in the past. I need a break, so I'm going to go."

I nodded in agreement, feeling happy for her.

She continued in an uncertain voice, "What about you? What are you going to do?"

"I don't know—I haven't thought about it. I'll probably stay here for a while, and live with my parents until I figure things out." I really didn't know what to do. I had no purpose in life now, and didn't think I could live without Izzy. Though I hadn't been with her for the past year, I'd believed that she would come back to me eventually. Now I had to face the fact that would never happen, and it terrified me.

"Well, Edward—goodbye, then. I might be accepting of things but it would hurt too much to listen to you talk about her. Please say hello to your parents for me and let me know if you need anything. I'm leaving next week and I'll have my cell for a while, so don't hesitate to call. Even if it's just to talk, I'm always here for you."

I smiled at her, knowing she was telling the truth. I could depend on her, regardless of what was happening in our lives. I only wished I could have extended the same courtesy to her.

We rose from our chairs, standing awkwardly before I finally pulled her into an embrace. She buried her face in the crook of my neck as I pressed my nose into her hair. She smelled so good, so familiar, and yet it wasn't enough. I held her tightly for a few moments before realizing that she had loosened her grasp on me. I backed away, raising my hand to brush a lock of hair from her eyes. "I'll always love you, Tori, thank you for everything."

"I know. Me too," she said, drawing farther away from me. Her tear-filled blue eyes bore into mine, and her bottom lip began to quiver as she raised her fingers to her mouth, pressing them against the pink plumpness there. Cautiously, she lifted her fingers to my lips, letting her hand hang in the air before I leaned forward and kissed it lightly. She dropped her hand, drawing in a ragged breath. I wanted to comfort her, but my arms held only more sorrow and despair. She turned and walked away, leaving me and my heartbreak behind. I envied her strength.

Rosalie came over and touched my shoulder then. "Edward, we're ready to start if you are." I followed her back to our seats.

As the minister began, a feeling of peace washed over me. I knew that regardless of how I felt in that moment, things would be all right. Alice stood and spoke about her friendship with Izzy, offering up stories I had never heard before. The look at Izzy's life was captivating. Alice sobbed throughout, but her stories were so heartfelt and sincere that everyone melted.

Rosalie told of an Izzy that I was much more familiar with, though there were still a few surprising stories from their college years. I laughed at several of the memories, especially the ones involving Izzy's clumsiness or shyness. I held those traits dear, and was saddened when Rose finished. When my mother tapped my leg, I knew it was my turn to speak.

I walked to the podium, pulling out the cards I had prepared, and paused to take a deep breath before I began. As I looked at the people in attendance, my thoughts and even the notes on the cards seemed to vanish. The sight before me was wrong; Izzy had been an incredible person, and yet there weren't even a dozen people here to remember her life. I wondered how Izzy had touched each of them, and whether she had ever realized the affect she had on people.

I cleared my throat, ready to begin, then realized the words I had written were nowhere near good enough. No words would come, and I found myself gasping for air, unable to breathe. Before I could stop her, my mother was standing next to me, her arms wrapped securely around my waist. Softly, she spoke words of comfort and encouragement to me and I shrank into her side, my large frame overwhelming her much smaller one. Grown men weren't supposed to need their mothers in this way, but I did, and she was there for me.

I hung my head as she began to speak, "We are grateful to all of you for coming here today. We know that everyone here shares in the grief of Bella's death. Bella was such a beautiful person and she touched each of us in a very special way. Her life wasn't easy, and maybe that's what made her so wonderful. She might not have been perfect, but she knew how to love and she did that perfectly."

She spoke with such tenderness, so much warmth in her voice; it flooded my mind with memories of her and Izzy together: laughing at my baby pictures, cooking together on holidays, and crying over Izzy's feelings about losing her own parents. I'd known my mother loved Izzy, but the reverence in her tone strengthened that belief. "I will always be thankful to have known her, to have been able to mother her in some way. I considered her my daughter from the moment I met her; the way Edward lit up when she entered the room assured me she would always be a part of my life. I will miss her—her smile, her laugh, and her sweetness. There will never be another girl like her and I feel so blessed to have her memory with me."

As I looked out across the people Izzy had loved most in the world, I was overcome with grief. No longer able to contain myself, the words spilled out of me. "I loved her more than anything in the world. People say that too easily, but it's true. There's no one like her, there never will be again. She was my everything, and I was hers from the first time I saw her. There's not enough time to tell you all that I will miss about her, but I want you all to know what she meant to me. I know that she loved you, and that you loved her, and for that I love you all. Thank you for coming today, being here for her. She would be happy to see this; I'm sure of it."

Feeling as though I was being watched, I glanced to the side and blinked in disbelief. My vision was hazy with tears, but a slight movement caught my attention. A blur of brown and cream slid gracefully behind a faraway tree, disappearing from my vision. Izzy was there watching us. I spoke louder, hoping she would hear me over the sobs I could not stop. "You said you weren't strong enough, that you were sorry. You said you didn't fight hard enough for us, but that's not true, Izzy. It was my fault; I should have fought for you. I should never have let you leave me that night. I should have gone after you, made you listen to me. It's all my fault… I love you and it's my fault," I cried as I clutched my mother tight. She murmured words to soothe me, gently leading us back to our seats and smoothing my hair as she tried to calm me. But I was inconsolable, and the tears came with a fierceness I had never before experienced. The weight of the sadness that settled over me was so heavy that I knew I would never recover.

The minister asked if anyone else would like to speak, but there was nothing left to say. After a final prayer, the service was over. There were tears and goodbyes as Izzy's friends filed past her casket, leaving notes and flowers, placing kisses on the surface of the cool wood. Dazed at the site before me, I sat, unable to move. Soon my parents and I were the only ones left. Though my mother begged me to leave with them, I couldn't. I had never seen her in such despair, but I asked my father to take her home and return for me later. I needed a few last minutes with my love. When they left, we were alone.

My tears had ceased, and I listened to the stillness all around me. The wind blew through the trees—a whistling sound that both haunted and comforted me. Reaching into my pocket, I pulled out the ring that lay there and looked at it, knowing where it belonged. I asked the funeral director to open the closed casket for me once more. He noticed the ring and nodded somberly. After opening the lid, he returned to his car, leaving me with my Izzy.

"Iz," I said, "this is yours. It was always meant for you, and I don't want anyone else to have it. I want to be here with you forever, so it's only right that our ring be here too. I love you more than you will ever know, and I miss you. I can't wait to see you again. Until then, I'll live each and every day waiting for that moment. Wait for me, love. I'll be with you soon." I bent to slide the ring onto her left ring finger, where it would stay for all eternity. Lifting the veil that lay over her face, I moved to kiss her one last time. I lowered the casket lid, saying my final goodbye, and turned to walk to my father's waiting car. From the corner of my eye, I saw a blur of brown and cream disappearing into the far-off tree line. _Izzy… _Though the rain began to fall then, I smiled.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**A/N: One to go…and I love it.**

**Keep in mind, there's a thread for this on Twilighted where you can yell at me. The link is on my profile, at the bottom.**

**I'm also on Twitter, so if you wanna yell there, feel free. :)**

**Hit the little green button and let me know what you think of this. Give me your theories on how you think this will end.**

**Oh, and do you believe in life after death? This whole "Bella comes back to see him" thing has me curious about what other people think. :)**


	5. Chapter 5 This Is For Keeps

**A/N: I don't own this, we all know who does. What I do own is four children who are home for Spring Break and driving me crazy! **

**Sorry this took so long. It had to be perfect, right? :) Thanks so much for sticking with me through this. **

**Thanks go to my girlies, my Northern Stars who love me even when I don't deserve it - **_**MeowVemulapalli, Risbee, missveritys, **_**and**_** coldplaywhore. **_**My LaV, **_**missveritys,**_** had a little baby girl yesterday. Welcome to the world Tabitha!**

**Much thanks to **_**wickedcicada**_** for making this pretty. Also, thank you for thinking I'm brave. You have no idea what that means to me.**

**Thanks to **_**Twilight44 **_**and **_**Unchanged Affections – **_**two of the best little prereaders I ever did meet. Your help is something I crave.**

**Here you go, it's the end. I hope you like it. :)**

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

_I am raising up the stakes of this round, I am playing for keeps  
__Oh, would you like to leave this human race, tonight?  
__Eternity will never be enough for me  
__And eternally we'll live our infallible love  
__Follow me into the sea  
__We'll drown together and immortalize you and me  
__Leave behind this lonely town  
__We're both better than this, it's not worth being down_

"This Is For Keeps" by The Spill Canvas

_~*~*~*~*~*~*~_

Time moved on. I had no idea how much passed, or how quickly or slowly it went—it was all a blur to me. The only moments of clarity were the few minutes I spent each day with Izzy, talking to the black stone that marked her resting place. The woman at the corner flower shop knew my order, and had it ready and waiting for me each day. I should have paid enough attention to at least find out her name or what she looked like, but I didn't care.

My mother fussed over me every morning and evening when I refused to eat the meals she prepared for me. She just didn't get it; I had no need for food. I wasn't hungry; I didn't want to be alive, so why make the effort? A few of my friends stopped by after my mother begged them to come talk to me, which led to uncomfortable visits that none of us enjoyed. It didn't matter; they weren't the person I wanted to see. I called Alice a few times, and even went to dinner with her and Jasper once. He was nice; we seemed to have a lot in common and I thought we could have been friends if things had been different. If only Izzy and I had been able to work things out, if we had been stronger, they could have been our couple friends. It was stupid for me to think that way; it only made me dream of things that could never be.

Every night, Izzy took over my dreams. They were always different; sometimes good—her laughing and smiling, running through fields of flowers. Other times they were horrible and terrorizing—her lifeless body washing out to sea as I screamed and desperately tried to swim to her. The worst dreams of all were memories. I remembered so many things from our life together, and on those nights I woke shaking and sweating, only to dissolve into sobs at the realization that she was really gone. My father set up a psych evaluation for me, but I wasn't stupid; I knew what they wanted to hear and gave the lies to them. Everyone around me tried to help, not realizing that the one thing I truly needed was the thing they were trying to keep me away from. I wanted to be with my Izzy.

I woke one morning, not really sure what day it was, not really caring, either. It was close to noon and the house was quiet; I assumed my parents were both gone and that I was alone. I didn't bother dressing; I was thirsty and just wanted a drink. After walking into my mother's bright kitchen wearing only a pair of baggy sleep pants that hung low on my hips, I stood next to the fridge, taking out the bottle of juice. I heard a gasp from behind me and froze, not wanting to see who was there. I turned slowly and saw my mother with her hands pressed over her mouth and nose, her eyes wide with shock or fear. She stared at me, scanning my body. I sighed, having known it would be only a matter of time before she realized how much weight I'd lost. I had always been thin, but after going without food for such a long time, I looked sick. I didn't care.

I stepped over to the counter to pour my juice, and then returned the bottle to the fridge.

"Edward, what have you done?" she asked quietly, tears sliding down her cheeks.

I swallowed the glass of juice before licking my lips and setting the glass in the sink. "Nothing, Mom. I haven't done anything. I thought you were gone; I didn't mean to upset you." I quickly rushed past her and back to my room. I pulled down the covers of my bed and climbed in, a sudden wave of exhaustion sweeping over me. I couldn't explain it, but I felt myself tiring more with each passing day. I slept longer at night, and often napped in the afternoon. As I lay in my bed, my eyes focused on the calendar hanging on the wall across the room from me. It was December twenty-fourth, Christmas Eve—my mind wandered back to a cold and snowy day as Izzy and I sat on a wooden swing set, confessing our love to one another. In that moment, I couldn't wait any longer to see her.

I jumped out of my bed, moving faster than I had in weeks. I quickly dressed in jeans and a button-down shirt Iz had bought for one of my birthdays. I thought she would like seeing it. Tying my shoes, I grabbed my wallet and keys. As I tried to hurry out of the house, I passed my mother and father in the kitchen. My first instinct was to keep going and not turn back, but then I heard Izzy's voice as clear as day in my mind, "Go talk to them and give them a hug." Turning around, I backtracked to enter the kitchen. My parents both stopped what they were doing and turned to stare at me.

"Mom, Dad, I just wanted to say thank you for all you've done for me. You're really the best parents I could ever have hoped for, and I love you." With that, I moved to hug my mother, kissing her on the cheek. When I looked to my father, he thrust out his hand for me to shake, but instead I threw my arms around his shoulders, giving them a squeeze. I didn't feel as if I could leave the house without thanking them and telling them how I felt. When I pulled away from my father, the tears in his eyes shocked me.

"Edward," he softly said, "we're so worried about you. What can we do to help you, son? We just don't know what to do." I smiled at him and then looked to my mother, watching the way the sunlight was caught by the tears trickling down her face.

"Don't worry about me; that's all I can say. I know you want something more for me, but maybe that's not what _I_ want. Maybe that's not what's meant for me." My mother let out a sob and I wanted to comfort her, but I couldn't lie to her. "All I've wanted for the last five years is to be with Izzy. Please don't be sad about any of this; I'm not."

I placed my hand on my mother's arm, rubbing gently, "It's gonna be okay; I know everything is gonna be fine, Mom. Trust me, all right?" She nodded slowly, accepting what I was telling her. "I have to go; just don't forget that I love you, okay?" The words caught in my throat, but I fought back the sadness building in my chest. Above all, I had to make them see that I was fine with whatever was meant to be. Giving them one last smile, I turned and headed out the door.

I pulled up to the flower shop, hoping they would be open on Christmas Eve. I was relieved to see the open sign on the door. Pushing through the door to the little shop, I was overwhelmed by the scent. I had never noticed it before, but as I lingered in the doorway my mind flashed back to the day Izzy and I chose flowers for her father's funeral. She was numb, unable to talk or even look at me. When I took her to the funeral home to make arrangements, she simply sat, staring off into space. I had no idea what to do and no one to ask for advice since my parents were in the Bahamas. As I chose the suit her father would wear, the casket, and the flowers to dress it with, Izzy started to cry. She was upset that she couldn't make those decisions, afraid that she was letting her father down. No matter what I said, she wouldn't stop. She was so sad, so depressed; I worried that she would never snap out of it. I prayed for something to help her, never imagining what that thing would end up being. If only I had known it would drive us apart, I would have done things differently.

I walked to the counter and rang the bell. After a few moments, the woman who normally helped me came through the doorway leading to the back room of the shop. "Oh, you're here! I wondered if you would be coming today." She smiled brightly and I made an effort to smile back.

"Yeah, I–I'm glad you're open today; I wasn't sure if you would be," I stuttered. Her smile widened and she let out a laugh.

"Oh honey, I'm always here. With all my kids grown and out on their own, this shop is my life. Plus, why would I want to be anywhere other than surrounded by all of these beautiful blooms?"

"I can understand that."

"So, you want your usual?"

"Yes, please."

She looked at me sheepishly. "I went ahead and made up two bouquets for you, since we'll be closed tomorrow, I thought that might help."

Stunned by her thoughtfulness, I grinned at her. "Thank you so much; it's very kind of you to think of me."

As she scurried to the flower cooler, I noticed her hair; the gray-flecked auburn strands were twisted into a bun, the light hitting those highlights and making them sparkle. When she returned to the counter with the bouquets in hand, I looked to see if she was wearing a name tag, but didn't find one.

"Those are so pretty," I said, then thanked her.

"So tell me, is there a lady as pretty as these flowers who has been receiving all of them?" she asked with a mischievous grin.

I found myself wondering what Izzy would think of me bringing this same type of bouquet day after day. "Yeah, there's a girl. Her name was Isabella, but I called her Izzy. She's my one true love."

She looked at me, puzzled. "Her name _was _Isabella?"

I nodded, "She passed away a few weeks ago—or months, I can't really remember. The days have kind of melted together."

"Oh my dear, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Do you mind me asking dear, what is your name?"

I looked into her light brown eyes, missing the chocolate color I had always seen in Izzy's, "My name is Edward."

"Well, Edward, I can see how much you loved her. She was a lucky girl to have found someone as caring as you seem to be. I can only imagine how much you must miss her."

I picked up the bouquets and asked, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but what is your name? I've been in so many times and I've never even asked you."

Her smile brightened. "My name is Verity, I can't believe I never told you that."

I smiled, shaking my head. "What do I owe you for these, Verity?"

"You know what? This is on me. Go see your Isabella and enjoy your time with her. Just tell her I said hello and we'll call it even, all right?"

Humbled by her generosity, I nodded in thanks. "I appreciate it, and just so you know, I'm sure she would have loved these."

Verity smiled, reaching out to wrap her hand around mine. "Go be with her."

"Thanks," I mumbled, looking up to meet her eyes once again. She flashed me one last smile, her own pain and loss shining through to me, as I backed away from her. Turning around, I let myself out of the shop and into the cold, crisp air. The sun was shining and there wasn't a cloud in the sky; I was happy that for once it was not raining.

I pulled up to the cemetery, parking in the row closest to Izzy's grave. It was the same place I parked every day, but today I took extra time to notice things. The grounds were beautiful, lush and so vibrant; I couldn't get over how peaceful it was. The cold breeze made the trees sway a bit, a quiet rustling sound filling the emptiness of the space, but I didn't feel it on my skin. I walked over to Izzy, marveling in the beauty of the spot we had chosen. It really was one of the loveliest places in the cemetery, surrounded by trees. I had looked at the gravestones that laid around Izzy, wondering about the people who were buried underneath them, and felt happy that my Iz was in such good company.

Standing near her headstone, my fingers absently traced its edge as I looked off toward the trees in the distance. I wondered if I would see the same brown and cream blur I had seen so any times before. In my heart I knew she was there, making sure that I was okay. Humming, I closed my eyes and called her face into my mind. I was so thankful that her beauty was etched in my memory, not easily forgotten.

After sitting on the ground next to her, I laid the bouquet at the base of the grave marker and sighed. "I'm here, Iz. You know what today is, right? It's the anniversary of the first time I told you I loved you." My voice shook as my fingers moved in the grass, touching the dark-green blades. Given that it was winter, I thought the grass would have died, but in this spot it was still green.

"I miss you, Iz—more and more every day. I can't function without you, which is crazy because I wasn't even with you over the past year and I was okay. Well, I wasn't really okay, but I was breathing and moving. But now, knowing that you're gone and won't be coming back to me, it's finally sinking in. I'm not handling it all that well," I admitted aloud for the first time. I knew I could tell Izzy; she always understood me. "I just want to see you, to feel you. I don't care how; I just need you near me, Iz. If you're here somewhere, anywhere really, can you do that for me? Please. I need to know that you were real; that _we_ were real. I think I'm starting to forget things, and I can't live with that."

I lay down on the grass, stretching out next to where I knew her body lay a few feet below me. I placed my hand on the ground over the spot, wishing that she was next to me. "Please, Iz, please…" I whispered over and over again, the agony of being alone completely overwhelming me. Tears slid down my face and my breath hitched as I felt the sobs begin. "I miss you, Izzy. Please…"

My eyes closed, lashes heavy from tears, and I cried for her. If my heart had been with me, it would have been broken, but it was with her, just as it had always been. I lay still on the grass for quite some time, letting the bitter cold soak into my bones. The sun still shone brightly in the sky, but soon the shadows in my soul overtook me. I heard whispers somewhere nearby and sat up, looking around for the source, but saw nothing.

As I moved to lie back down, I felt something. It wasn't shocking and it didn't cause me to tremble. Instead, it was like a prick to my soul, a warmth settling into my skin. It was comforting and made me feel happy. Turning my head to the side, I was relieved at the sight of my Izzy standing next to me, in all of her brown and cream-colored splendor.

I smiled slowly as relief swept through me. She had come back to me; she was here to comfort me. As I continued to look at her, the shape of her became clearer, less fuzzy around the edges. She smiled, yet I could see pain in her eyes. It made me wonder what could be upsetting her.

"Edward," she said softly, her voice clear in the cold air, "I'm here."

"Iz, I miss you. I've missed you for so long. I want to stay with you, Iz. Please, don't leave me again."

"Edward, are you sure? You don't have to do this; I'll wait. I'll wait forever, if that's what it takes." Her voice hitched and I could feel the sadness and longing in her words.

"I'm sure. There's nothing I've ever wanted more than to be with you, Izzy."

Slowly, I stood, a strange feeling coming over me. I stepped toward her, afraid to try to touch her—afraid that she would vanish—but she looked so real, so tangible. I reached out hesitantly, and grazed my fingertips along her cheekbone. She was so warm—I could feel the energy pulsing through her. She hummed and leaned into my hand, closing her eyes as her lips curled up at the corners.

"Hmmm, Edward. I never thought I'd get to feel you like this again. All the things I did, all the mistakes I made; I have so many regrets. The only thing I ever did right was loving you. I'm so sorry, baby. Please, can you forgive me? Please?" she whispered.

I cleared my throat before answering, fighting back the emotions that were trying to overcome me. "Iz, I don't care about any of that. I just want you. I was so lost without you that I wasn't even me anymore. I don't care, Iz—it doesn't matter. Can we just be together now and forget all of that?"

She giggled and her smile grew, "Yeah, we can, but are you sure? You have to be sure Edward, without a doubt. This is for keeps, baby. There's no going back."

I gently brought my other hand to her cheek, cupping her face. I stared into her eyes, overwhelmed by the depth there. She was staring into my soul, and I into hers. "You are the only thing I want. Ever. There is no backing out for me. I'm yours, and wherever you go, I will follow, no questions asked. Please, just promise me you will never leave me again."

Her face set with a look of resolve. "I will never leave you again. It broke my heart to do it once, and it destroyed me to do it twice. I'm yours; I always have been and I always will be." She leaned toward me, pushing up onto her toes as her hands reached up to curl around my neck, threading though my hair.

I pulled her to me, surprised by how substantial she felt in my arms. Lowering my lips to hers, Carefully, I sucked in her bottom lip, tugging on it as she moaned ever so quietly. So much passion had built up in me that I wrapped my arms around her waist, drawing her in as close as I could. This kiss was different; it was heated and raw, yet sweet and tender. I could have kissed her this way forever, and part of me intended to.

We stood together, melting into one another until I finally pulled away, to rest my forehead against hers. "Is this for real, Iz? Are you really here? Can I really stay with you? This doesn't feel like a dream; please tell me it isn't."

She traced my jawbone, sighing before she opened her eyes to look into mine. "Yes, it's real, Edward. I'm really here and you can stay with me. If you're sure, if there's no chance you'll change your mind, we can go. We can leave and just be together."

"That's all I want. That's all I've ever wanted." I closed my eyes, breathing her in, all the smells I had missed were there again. I moved to hug her to me, every line of her body pressing against mine. Burying my nose in her hair, I was comforted by its scent. It wasn't like when I hugged Tori—that had been familiar, but something was missing. As I stood with Izzy, I realized what it was—it was the scent of _her_. No one else could ever be her, and I was overcome with joy to finally have her in my grasp again.

Logic told me this wasn't possible, that Izzy was gone and there was no way I could be holding her, feeling her in my arms. I pushed away to search her face. She looked so real…how could that be? The confusion must have flickered through my eyes because Izzy soon reached down and took my hand, cautiously turning me around.

I looked to the ground and was surprised by what I saw—it was me, my body, lying on the grass next to Izzy's headstone. I stumbled backwards, afraid of the vision before me.

"This is the only way, Edward. Are you sure you're okay with this? I'll wait for you; it's not too late. You can go back, see your parents, and live your life. You don't have to do this, Edward."

Gazing into her tear-filled eyes, I knew there was no choice to make. Choice involved want or desire. What I felt was need, raw and basic. I needed to be with Izzy and nothing could ever be worth losing her again.

"I already said goodbye to everyone. I'm ready for this," I assured her. Nodding slightly, I looked back to my body. It was so still, so lifeless—just as Izzy's body had been when I saw it at the hospital.

Turning toward Izzy, I faced my destiny head on, with no regret. "I'm ready to be with you. I want you, and only you, always. Anything I have to do to get that is worth it to me. I will never regret choosing you—do you hear me?" She nodded as tears streamed down her cheeks. "I love you, Isabella Marie Swan; it's only ever been you."

She gasped before wrapping her arms around me, clinging to me as if I were her life raft. I held her as she sobbed, softly repeating words of love and affection for her. After a few moments she stilled, and looked up at me. "I love you, Edward Anthony Cullen; it's only ever been you."

I leaned down to press my lips to hers, feeling the sweetness of our reunion blossom between us. Deepening the kiss, my tongue darted out to skim across her bottom lip, asking for entrance. Her lips parted and I lovingly tasted her, our tongues twisting together gracefully. I felt the stirrings of my arousal and knew that Izzy must have felt the growing hardness pressing against her soft belly because she laughed, pushing herself more firmly against me.

I asked, "Izzy, is this even possible? I don't really know what goes on here."

She giggled softly. "Edward, do you really think Heaven could exist without lovemaking? I think we'd get pretty bored after a while, don't you?"

I laughed, nodding in response. Her smile vanished and she looked at me with a hunger in her eyes that I hadn't seen in years. "I know I got bored without you here, Edward."

I gulped, surprised at the brazen lust pouring out of her. She reached down and took my hand, pulling me toward the tree line. "Come on love. Let me show you exactly how much I've missed you."

As we walked toward the tree line, I glanced back to see my body, the life I was leaving behind. There was no regret in my decision. I smiled at the thought of being with Izzy again and of spending forever with her.

As we neared the trees, snowflakes began to fall from the sky, covering everything with a thin, glistening white sheet. I tightened my grip on her hand, letting her lead me to our eternity.

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~**

**A/N: There you go. I kind of see it as the Ultimate Happily Ever After. I hope you liked it.**

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